Random Thoughts

    I  just got off the phone with the doctor. I told myself I wasn't going to cry but of course when they start asking routine questions I break down crying. I apologized to him because I feel bad he is also having to deal with my sadness and negativity. The question that set me off what "How often do you feel like a you have let yourself or your family down in the past two weeks?". I'm so disappointed in myself. I had been a year and a half without medication. He asked me how much I weigh and I told him. He responding by telling me I should really be exercising and getting out of the house. I know he is just trying to do his job and be helpful but it hurts to hear that I used to weigh less and my current weight isn't healthy. Its hurts to know that I did this to myself.     He asked me if I felt I needed to high dosage I was on before I quit which was 100mg. I said No, its bad but not that bad. It reminded me of the deep scars I have from when it got so bad I ...

     I had hoped my time for needed this blog was over but it seems as I was incorrect. I said some words I did not mean to my husband out of spite. Its not the first time I've done this. I had zero reason to say anything mean to him. I finally accepted the reason I have been hateful to him is because I want him to feel the pain I feel.       I stopped my depression medication back in January of 2019 and thought it was going well. I started a job that was very trying and hard on me, emotionally, a few months after I quit my meds. This is when I believe my depression "came back". Maybe it never really went away. Maybe it was just dormant waiting to creep back out at the right time. My doctor had told me once you quit your depression medication you have a 50% of relapsing. If you quit again then it is a 75% chance. I wanted to prove him wrong. I told myself I wasn't depressed. Its been 3-4 years since Uma died. Yes, you still love her and miss her but th...