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Self-Loathing


    I had hoped my time for needed this blog was over but it seems as I was incorrect. I said some words I did not mean to my husband out of spite. Its not the first time I've done this. I had zero reason to say anything mean to him. I finally accepted the reason I have been hateful to him is because I want him to feel the pain I feel. 

    I stopped my depression medication back in January of 2019 and thought it was going well. I started a job that was very trying and hard on me, emotionally, a few months after I quit my meds. This is when I believe my depression "came back". Maybe it never really went away. Maybe it was just dormant waiting to creep back out at the right time. My doctor had told me once you quit your depression medication you have a 50% of relapsing. If you quit again then it is a 75% chance. I wanted to prove him wrong. I told myself I wasn't depressed. Its been 3-4 years since Uma died. Yes, you still love her and miss her but there is no way you are still depressed over that. I think I was secretly depressed before Uma. Her death just made it all come gushing out of me like a never ending river. 

    I quit my job about a month ago. So I've had a lot of down time with this Covid stuff going on. I've tried to exercise and do things to help myself get back into shape but in reality I don't care. I would happily sit here and eat my body weight in chocolate ice cream and chocolate covered pretzels and then die, happily, of diabetes. I have family members who have diabetes so its very possible and the fact that I don't care once ounce is kind of sad. 

    Anyway, so I took a bath tonight and I couldn't tell my heart to shut up. My heart was telling me I'm hurting. I'm not sure why because I have always been told depression is a chemical imbalance of the brain. But it hurts. My heart hurts. I guess I'm disappointed in myself. I am disappointed in myself and the person I have become. I feel like I'm letting myself and everyone down. So many of my family and friends were so happy for me when I stopped taking my depression medication. Now here I am contemplating calling up the doctor tomorrow to ask him to put me back on them. I used to be beautiful and confident. Now I just avoid looking in the mirror. My husband calls me beautiful and sexy all the time but its hard to believe it when you don't believe it yourself. I don't like my picture taken. I don't want to go to the beach or anywhere with friends because they like their pictures taken and I am jealous of their confidence. I hate my body. Lately, I hate my heart. I'm always thinking negatively probably because I hate myself so why not hate the world. I used to be so positive. I used to put myself in other peoples shoes and was not quick to judge. 

    I want to change. I really do. I want to start thinking positive thoughts first and I want to have a body that I love again. But that is the way I'm thinking right now because I'm contemplating life. When it comes to me actually changing something I go back to not giving a fuck care in the world. My husband tries to motivate me and be helpful but I instead of being appreciative towards him I get mean and aggressive. I really don't deserve him. He is the light in my dark world. 

    If you got this far thank you. I'm sorry this was depressing. I was crying the entire time I wrote it. If I can get back on my medication there is a small glimmer of hope for me. Thanks for reading. 


Side note: I read(technically skimmed) all of my old blog posts. I was literally a roller coaster of emotions. I used to post all the time and I used to do so much fun stuff even though I was depressed. Like what even? Now I have no emotion/care. Maybe its a different type of depression that I have now.  I might keep posting. Maybe it will give me a reason to actually do something everyday so I can post about it. 






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