Pills

    I just got off the phone with the doctor. I told myself I wasn't going to cry but of course when they start asking routine questions I break down crying. I apologized to him because I feel bad he is also having to deal with my sadness and negativity. The question that set me off what "How often do you feel like a you have let yourself or your family down in the past two weeks?". I'm so disappointed in myself. I had been a year and a half without medication. He asked me how much I weigh and I told him. He responding by telling me I should really be exercising and getting out of the house. I know he is just trying to do his job and be helpful but it hurts to hear that I used to weigh less and my current weight isn't healthy. Its hurts to know that I did this to myself.

    He asked me if I felt I needed to high dosage I was on before I quit which was 100mg. I said No, its bad but not that bad. It reminded me of the deep scars I have from when it got so bad I cut my legs. I've turned to tattoos since then. They turn pain into art. Its one of the reasons I love tattoos. Not only do I get the pain I yearn for but I get beautiful one of a kind art on my body. Art that can cover my body I so deeply hate. 

    I had some leftover Zoloft and google said the shelf life is about 3-4 years so I just took one. I figured it takes a few weeks to start working so might as well start a day sooner. I was bawling while I put half a tablet in my mouth. I feel like this is a never ending cycle. My messed up brain is going to always have to be on pills. I'm an overall disappointment.