Random Thoughts

So many times in my life I have been told something along the lines of “Learn to love yourself first, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you”. This seems to make sense because you should be able to love yourself without another person having to remind you how wonderful you are all time. Basically try and not bring that “baggage” into a relationship. At least this is what you are told and begin to think before you fall in love. My personal opinion completely changed when I fell in love. The idea of someone loving you is nice but that’s not what love is. I would genuinely and wholeheartedly love my boyfriend even if he didn’t love me. My love for him has nothing to do with the fact that he loves me. And for the “baggage”... in some instances you really shouldn't be in a relationship if you have problems because when you are in a relationship you take on each others problems and flaws. If you can't handle your own then you shouldn't be dealing with someone els...

This semester of my senior year is the easiest I have had in all of high school. I only have my two classes at school everyday and my college class twice a week. I sleep or play on my phone during my first class at school(I sit in the very front row in front of the smart board and my teacher doesn't ever say anything)and make all A's. My second class at school is with a first year teacher who is young so he goes way to easy on our class. We didn't take a midterm just because no one in our class wanted to... like what??? I'm not complaining but really? The class tells the teacher what to do? We also basically only write a few notes and then do group work the rest of the class. The work only takes 15 minutes max so we just talk the rest of the time... did I mention that my classes last 1 hour amd 45 minutes. I also make all A's in that class. I have a B for my college class but that is really awesome because it is my first college class ever and when you talk to colle...

Here we go again. The rushing water behind these eyes of glass, is running stronger,  pushing and cracking the thin brown crystal bearer which holds back the flood,  the settle whispers in the back of my mind have turned to screams originating from every possible corner. Here we go again, overthinking than not thinking at all,  feeling everything all at once and so deeply that I am forced to become numb to deal with myself,  numb… thoughtless… quiet… because if the crack becomes large enough,  if a single drop escapes the glazed wall the whole bearer will come crashing down, releasing the flood, so violent and loud,  destroying everything in its path. I look at my patterned legs and itch to run a blade across, then close my heavy eyes and hope they will never open again. This is so accurate of how I am slowly starting to feel. I can tell my depression medicine is slowly becoming useless. I can also tell that I am pushing certain people away b...

So my anxiety decided to stop by today and tell me some things that now have me worried not only about other people but it decided to talk down my self confidence which always a great feeling. So now I'm going to go do things to fix the problem it told me I have until I solve the problem. This probably makes no sense but I'm not going to let my anxiety problems effect other people's day so just don't worry about the subject or cause of my anxiety. Just hope that I fix my self confidence problem 🙃🙃🙃

Once you lose the most important thing in your life you don't know what to do with yourself. So you look at every memory you have of them whether it be electronically, physical, or mental. You feel as if you have lost your soul and purpose for being alive. You then proceed into a decending pit of  despair and anguish caused by the depression and suicidal thoughts that come with this terrible loss. Songs that meant nothing before, are now overbearingly heart wrenching to hear. Eventually you feel so dead and empty inside without them that you will do anything to feel alive again even if that means harming yourself. You get angry at your loved one for leaving. Telling yourself that they were selfish. Then you begin to hate yourself for ever thinking such a terrible thing and start harming yourself more. You are on the edge of life and you consider other people opinions and emotions about the outcome that is about to happen. So you either go through with it or you don't. If you do...

I'm watching my favorite movie in the entire world right now (Dead Poets Society) and I am so freaking inspired to just do something! Ahhhhh! I'm going to work on my paper because I have all the freaking inspiration because this movie is my shiisnt!!! Rode the pony today bareback and I was able to keep her slow even in a bitless bridle! 😜😛🤘🏼❤️

I had like a super duper amazing jump sesh today with Julie todayt. She finally has enough muscle to be doing 2'9-3ft courses again!!! She actually was waiting and listening to what strides I wanted! Now I need to start doing running hill work in the field to gain both muscles and stamina! I'm super excited for shows to start up. She is going to beast it!!!!! Side note: I'm going in the morning to try on my prom dress my my best friend for the heck of it 😁 I might upload pictures tomorrow I hung out with my love today. I made him watch a girly movie and in return I had to watch zombielamd or something along those lines. I didn't get to watch but like 30 minutes of it because I had to go home. Buuuuut that's okay because I get to see him again tomorrow 😍☺️😁

I was super angry and agitated all day and when I wasn't, I wanted to cry. I personally think it is from one of my new medications because it is a possible side effect of taking them. But my nana thinks that I need to take more of my depression meds. I just decided to sleep when I got home from getting my flu shot(after school of course). So I slept from 3pm-8pm. I also decided that it would be best if I didn't talk to Josh today because I didn't want to blow up on him when he didn't deserve it. I talked to him after I woke because I felt better but I realized that not talking to him all day wasn't the smartest thing I've done because I didn't even tell him why I wasn't going to message him all day. ☹️ I need inspiration for my cause and effect essay. I have the motivation but no inspiration. So I'm just going to look up facts about my topic until I get a spark. 😐 Side note: my gov/econ teacher had to be rushed to the hospital last night because...

So before I get to my point of the blog I’m giving you a fair warning that I’m being pretty much completely open in this because I am ready to talk. I would appreciate it 100% if you do NOT contact me about this blog. Just let me give you a little background before I go into detail. Trust is not something that I give away freely. You have to earn my trust and then continue to keep it by being completely honest and truthful with me. Once you lose my trust it is very unlikely you will be able to regain it and there are not many people who i trust because of this reason. I limit who trust to very few people. I am not an open person whatsoever. I love to bottle up feelings and never let them out because I don’t see the need in telling other people my problems when they most likely have their own. This blog is actually the only way I am okay with opening up and even after the fact, I don’t like it when people confront me about it. Honestly this blog is like a diary but it’s public wh...