My Love

So before I get to my point of the blog I’m giving you a fair warning that I’m being pretty much completely open in this because I am ready to talk. I would appreciate it 100% if you do NOT contact me about this blog. Just let me give you a little background before I go into detail.

Trust is not something that I give away freely. You have to earn my trust and then continue to keep it by being completely honest and truthful with me. Once you lose my trust it is very unlikely you will be able to regain it and there are not many people who i trust because of this reason. I limit who trust to very few people.

I am not an open person whatsoever. I love to bottle up feelings and never let them out because I don’t see the need in telling other people my problems when they most likely have their own. This blog is actually the only way I am okay with opening up and even after the fact, I don’t like it when people confront me about it. Honestly this blog is like a diary but it’s public which is quite weird now that I think about it.

Crying is absolutely the worst thing. I have always hated crying and always will. Crying makes you feel and look weak so I have always lived by the “laugh instead of cry” saying. I still remember watching Marley and Me with my mother and sister and they were bawling their eyes out. Then there is eight year old me laughing at them for crying. I was a savage little kid but ever since Uma's passing I am the biggest wuss and I despise it.

Anyway so my point of explaining these facts about myself is to just show gratitude and appreciation for my boyfriend. We have only been dating for three months and he has been able to open me up more than anyone. I’ve told him things that I have never told anyone. I also legitimately trust him with my life. He has only ever been completely honest with me and I value that more than anything in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wholly trust him yet. Not because he has done anything wrong but because my trust is earned by time.

The reason I brought all this up was because Saturday night, while waiting for the Clemson v. Louisville game to come on, he was asking me about my depression and anxiety meds. He doesn’t like that I’m on medication because he wants me to be able to be happy without them. He makes since to want this but he never met me before my new depression meds(I only say new because I’ve tried two different medications for depression and not only did the first on not work but it actually started to make it worse). He doesn’t realize that before I started my newer depression meds I was honest to God ready to jump off a cliff to my death or do anything to get out of this world.

Earlier that day he had played a heavy-hearted rap song that talked about suicide and not wanting to live any longer because there is no purpose in life. The rapper also rapped about how he is a burden to other people’s life so he should just help everyone out and just end his life. This is where I was at before my depression meds. That song describes exactly how I felt. To be quite honest I still feel like this but my meds just decrease my thoughts about suicide and helps with anxiety. Depression meds are not happy pills.

So when I started explaining why I could not quite my meds I brought up this rap. I can’t quite my depression meds because I'm uncertain of what place I would be in if I did. The only reason I didn’t kill myself was because it would hurt my family and friends more than myself(So thank you to all my family and friends for being in my life because without you, I would be dead). I also couldn’t help but bawl my eyes out about the whole thing because I remembered exactly what and how I felt those four or five months. He comforted me while I cried my eyes out with hugs and sweet words. He was genuinely listening to me with concern. I feel as if many people think I constantly talk about Uma because I want attention when in reality she was my entire life. Anyone that knew me while Uma was still alive could tell you how annoyed they would get because of how much I spoke of her. I still find myself bringing her up in everyday, casual conversation. I was trying to hold in the tears but then I just couldn’t stop crying so I decided to look through my Uma pictures and videos to just release all my bottled tears. It felt so good to be able to cry and be comforted by him because normally when I cry I prefer to be secluded to my room.

The whole point of this is just to thank him for all he does for me even though there is a 90% chance he will never see this because my blogs tend to be sad and he doesn’t like it when I’m sad so he just doesn’t read them.

My little weirdo <3