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Rapturous

So many times in my life I have been told something along the lines of “Learn to love yourself first, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you”. This seems to make sense because you should be able to love yourself without another person having to remind you how wonderful you are all time. Basically try and not bring that “baggage” into a relationship. At least this is what you are told and begin to think before you fall in love.

My personal opinion completely changed when I fell in love. The idea of someone loving you is nice but that’s not what love is. I would genuinely and wholeheartedly love my boyfriend even if he didn’t love me. My love for him has nothing to do with the fact that he loves me. And for the “baggage”... in some instances you really shouldn't be in a relationship if you have problems because when you are in a relationship you take on each others problems and flaws. If you can't handle your own then you shouldn't be dealing with someone else's.

I'm incredibly thankful that my boyfriend entered my life. He has given me a new perspective on life and love. When Uma died I hurt so much that my pain turned into apathy. I could care less if I got hurt, died, killed someone, etc. I know that probably sounds completely insane but it's the truth. My world had basically ended and I had not a care left to what happened to me or anyone. I was in a very bad place even on my depression meds. I was leaning on people that couldn't actually help me which just made my depression worse. But it's because they didn't understand how to deal with it and I don't blame them because I still struggle some days figuring out how to deal with it. And being completely honest, I would have never met my boyfriend if Uma didn't die. I'm not saying that if I could go back in time that I would let her die just so I could meet my boyfriend again but I am saying that I feel like everything happens for a reason whether it is good or bad. I wish it never happened instead of dwelling on what I can't change I would rather just look at the bright side and the future.
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I brought him and his best friend to the barn yesterday while I fed and they were so entertaining. They were amazed at all the horses and made a lot of odd remarks to say the very least.
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The past two sessions with the boss lady (my therapist) have been extremely eye opening but hella intense. She has made me realize things that I never realized that I was doing or things about myself that I never knew. Well, I guess I knew what it was but I wasn't positive that it was the reason the way I am until she explained it. It somehow affects the way I am and how I act towards people. But the thing is, it's not a direct correlation to me because it happened before I was even born and I find it normal because I've always lived with it so how does it still affect me today or affect me at all? The brain works in so many weird ways. Psychology is so confusing.

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