Random Thoughts

Fun Fact: I hate turkey. It has like no flavor. I'll eat it but I'd prefer ham. So I have finally come to the conclusion that I'm just never going to be able to be the same person as I was when I had Uma, whether it be with or without medication and counseling. People can make me quite heated or frustrated by doing things that I would have shrugged at before. Its kind of saddening because its like I have a constant fire burning in me and it creates tons of energy but the only way my body can rid of it is through anger or crying. I'd prefer to cry because when I get angry it puts everyone in a bad/mad mood so its much easier to cry and beat myself up instead. Basically the old me is half a world away in a hole that is impossible to find... that is an odd way of describing it but oh well. Also I should be finishing my final essay that has to be 10 pages instead of typing this but I'll get to it eventually... OOOOOOHH I had a really amazing show with Juliet on Saturda...

I bought a new dress and new shoes for the wedding today. 😁 Well technically I bought two pairs of shoes but I'm obviously not going to be wearing both to the wedding because that would be rather odd. Not that you need to know this but I'm probably going to go back out Sunday morning and find some sort of panty hose because it's winter and my legs are to white to be showing off. Actually even in the summer they are to white... perks of riding. I wish I could go sooner but I work tomorrow and I have the show Saturday, then cross country, and then I'm helping my trainer trailer horses to an IEA show that our barn is cohosting in Greenville. Also I had a lesson tonight. We figured out some major things to help Juliet and I on Saturdays show so that's super exciting. Side note: one perk of winter is being able to leave out drinks and they stay cold... aka I forgot to put the milk up 😬😬😬

1. Many people are hypocrites 2. I clipped Juliet 3. She is moving and jumping fantabulous 4. I'm riding her in a hackamore now 5. We have a show Saturday  6. I'm also cross country school Saturday  7. I fell off today because we did a hard rollback to an oxer and I held her back instead of letting her take her distance so she jumped it like a deer and like four feet in the air. So I kinda just slid off. 8. I'm 2,000 words into my 3,000 page essay due in 3 weeks which is awesome because I'm ahead of the game 😁 9. I have been off my depression meds for almost 3 weeks 10. I have a wedding to go to Sunday and I'm bringing Josh and Katherine 11. I'm sitting in an empty tub while I type this. 12. Fun tip for my readers-People who are bitter won't achieve anything because they spend their time being hateful towards someone when in reality they are truly upset with themselves.  13. People can hate me and what I do, act, or say all day long. ...

When Uma died I felt as I had lost my purpose. My purpose to breathe. I felt as if I was on my last steps in life. I believed I was one of those people that was supposed to die at a young age and I was very accepting of the thought. I made jokes about me only trying to live to age of 25. I mean why not. I had already wept enough tears to drown myself twice over and more tears accumulated with time so why would I want to be on the Earth for any more time. Why would I want to live any longer. Every morning I awoke, I was bitter towards the world for not making some force smother my face during the night so I couldn't breathe. Why would I want to feel a physical ache that I was still alive every time I woke up in the morning. If it wasn't a physical ache in my heart then I was awakened by a panic attack usually due to me having a dream about Uma and waking up to my first love being dead. I honestly had given up. I was ready to leave my life for good. I had no intention or want t...

Today has been quite interesting. I have literally been dizzy and tired all day long. I feel like I need to pass out. Which is very odd because there seems to be no cause. I ate breakfast and I  been drinking liquids all day so I shouldn't be feeling like I'm going to pass out. And I got called in to work early so I got to walk people to there seat and almost fall over because I couldn't keep my head up several times. All the while I had to keep a smile on my face. Side note: I just went by Zaxbys and there tea tastes so weird now that I'm so used to drinking Cracker Barrel Sweet tea. That or they just don't know how to make tea anymore. Also. I have a mood ring and it is currently black... like black. It has never once turned black ever and I'm low key concerned. I'm probably going to die. I have so many problems. Why do people deal with me?