When Uma died I felt as I had lost my purpose. My purpose to breathe. I felt as if I was on my last steps in life. I believed I was one of those people that was supposed to die at a young age and I was very accepting of the thought. I made jokes about me only trying to live to age of 25. I mean why not. I had already wept enough tears to drown myself twice over and more tears accumulated with time so why would I want to be on the Earth for any more time. Why would I want to live any longer. Every morning I awoke, I was bitter towards the world for not making some force smother my face during the night so I couldn't breathe. Why would I want to feel a physical ache that I was still alive every time I woke up in the morning. If it wasn't a physical ache in my heart then I was awakened by a panic attack usually due to me having a dream about Uma and waking up to my first love being dead.
I honestly had given up. I was ready to leave my life for good. I had no intention or want to fall in love. Not only did I not have the intention but I thought it would be impossible. My heart was shattered into a million pieces and was spread and buried into deep, untraceable parts of the world because of Uma's death. I had felt so much pain that I just stopped caring. I only wanted to finish off my last couple months by trying anything new which just happened to be the worst possible things I could do. Whether that be to physically harm myself or harm myself by doing idiotic things because I only had apathy towards everyone and everything. I only felt pain even with the depression meds so why not embrace it, right?
Then I met Joshua when I was trying to get myself into trouble and he became my serendipity faster than I could have ever imagined any human could. He had my heart faster than I was able to say no and by that time I didn't want to say no. He taught me how to love again at my deepest, darkest moments. Not only to love others again but to love myself again because I had only felt hatred for myslef since Uma's passing. He made me go from wanting to end all of my memories to do everything new to create an uncountable number of memories with him.
Occasionally I have anxiety/panic attacks that cause a fluctuating heart rate and a sickening state of meaningless worrying. I have to take anxiety pills to calm myself down from an unknowingly bad thing that could possibly happen. The only bad thing is that these anxiety pills take thirty plus minutes to start working. They don't take full affect until at least an hour and only last up to six hours. Josh has managed to talk to me and end my anxiety in a matter of minutes. Not only distract me from my worrying but completely end it. I had no anxiety the rest of that day which is not how my anxiety works. Honest to god the only other thing that could calm my anxiety like he can was Uma. He does not know how special he is to me to have the ability to do that. He does not know how special he is in general. I'm now off of my medication for almost two weeks now because him and so many other people made me realize the strength that I possess and how much help and love I would have to get through the beginning steps and days.
Joshua is most definitely one of a kind. He has a wise soul and can give amazing advice but stills adventurous and lively. He has the most creative, pierian, and imaginative mind. He can freestyle about anything and can write stories off the top of his head which makes him so very belesprit. We can talk about philosophical questions and agree to disagree without an argument. He willingly wants to listen to my feelings and is beyond empathetic because he has such a caring and loving heart. He is peart and joyous at all times no matter the condition. He is incredibly fun to be around and has a wonderfully-goofy-contagious laugh. He is so very curious and observant which leads to many funny moments. I trust him enough to be myself with and I feel safe with him. Not only physically safe because he would straight knock someone out for me in the blink of an eye, but I also feel emotionally safe with him. He is the one person in my life that I share a completely open and authentic relationship with which I value more than anything. But having such an open relationship scares me because I've never let anyone see this part of me. I feel vulnerable and unprotected because he knows all my secrets and could hurt me but the thing is... I know he won't. Everyday I get to know him more and more and it is an amazingly, undescribable adventure. He is more special and amazing than he realizes and my descriptions of him barley do him the justice he deserves. I can't even begin to explain what I feel when I look in his eyes or how my stomach is overtaken by butterflies everytime he speaks. When he smiles my heart honestly skips a beat and a day spent with him feels like an hour. It sounds corny but it's so very true. I still question how I am so lucky enough to be able to have him in my life. I love Josh so much I cannot describe it and I am forever grateful for everything he has done and continues to do for me.
Side note: He is also hella handsome and strong and fine and ooooh boy. I'm going to just stop there before my blood pressure gets too high.
I honestly had given up. I was ready to leave my life for good. I had no intention or want to fall in love. Not only did I not have the intention but I thought it would be impossible. My heart was shattered into a million pieces and was spread and buried into deep, untraceable parts of the world because of Uma's death. I had felt so much pain that I just stopped caring. I only wanted to finish off my last couple months by trying anything new which just happened to be the worst possible things I could do. Whether that be to physically harm myself or harm myself by doing idiotic things because I only had apathy towards everyone and everything. I only felt pain even with the depression meds so why not embrace it, right?
Then I met Joshua when I was trying to get myself into trouble and he became my serendipity faster than I could have ever imagined any human could. He had my heart faster than I was able to say no and by that time I didn't want to say no. He taught me how to love again at my deepest, darkest moments. Not only to love others again but to love myself again because I had only felt hatred for myslef since Uma's passing. He made me go from wanting to end all of my memories to do everything new to create an uncountable number of memories with him.
Occasionally I have anxiety/panic attacks that cause a fluctuating heart rate and a sickening state of meaningless worrying. I have to take anxiety pills to calm myself down from an unknowingly bad thing that could possibly happen. The only bad thing is that these anxiety pills take thirty plus minutes to start working. They don't take full affect until at least an hour and only last up to six hours. Josh has managed to talk to me and end my anxiety in a matter of minutes. Not only distract me from my worrying but completely end it. I had no anxiety the rest of that day which is not how my anxiety works. Honest to god the only other thing that could calm my anxiety like he can was Uma. He does not know how special he is to me to have the ability to do that. He does not know how special he is in general. I'm now off of my medication for almost two weeks now because him and so many other people made me realize the strength that I possess and how much help and love I would have to get through the beginning steps and days.
Joshua is most definitely one of a kind. He has a wise soul and can give amazing advice but stills adventurous and lively. He has the most creative, pierian, and imaginative mind. He can freestyle about anything and can write stories off the top of his head which makes him so very belesprit. We can talk about philosophical questions and agree to disagree without an argument. He willingly wants to listen to my feelings and is beyond empathetic because he has such a caring and loving heart. He is peart and joyous at all times no matter the condition. He is incredibly fun to be around and has a wonderfully-goofy-contagious laugh. He is so very curious and observant which leads to many funny moments. I trust him enough to be myself with and I feel safe with him. Not only physically safe because he would straight knock someone out for me in the blink of an eye, but I also feel emotionally safe with him. He is the one person in my life that I share a completely open and authentic relationship with which I value more than anything. But having such an open relationship scares me because I've never let anyone see this part of me. I feel vulnerable and unprotected because he knows all my secrets and could hurt me but the thing is... I know he won't. Everyday I get to know him more and more and it is an amazingly, undescribable adventure. He is more special and amazing than he realizes and my descriptions of him barley do him the justice he deserves. I can't even begin to explain what I feel when I look in his eyes or how my stomach is overtaken by butterflies everytime he speaks. When he smiles my heart honestly skips a beat and a day spent with him feels like an hour. It sounds corny but it's so very true. I still question how I am so lucky enough to be able to have him in my life. I love Josh so much I cannot describe it and I am forever grateful for everything he has done and continues to do for me.
Side note: He is also hella handsome and strong and fine and ooooh boy. I'm going to just stop there before my blood pressure gets too high.
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