Random Thoughts

Many people have told me I am too young to be married. Others have said but he is your first boyfriend, how do you know he is what you like(Josh has actually said the same thing). But y'all haven't even been together that long. Well I am going to do my best to clarify these questions. Age is just a number. I believe life experiences are what causes one to mature. So if you haven't lived my life or his life then you have no say in what we do, why we do them, and how we do them... in other words,everyone 🙂 . And actually, people in the olden days got married at 12 years old so in all honesty I'm pretty late on the whole marriage thing. The whole point of dating is to find a partner to spend the rest of your life with and to start a family with. I just got lucky and found mine on the first try. And I'm going to quote everyone who has been asked the question of how do you know he or she is the one.... "when you know, you know." It's as simple as that....

I keep going to bed early in hopes that one of these times I'll fall asleep and not wake up

Tomorrow is my last day of highschool. Then I start my life. I say life because up to this point, life has been pretty set in stone on how most of my days would play out. I start my career and I start my family after highschool and God only knows how those will play out. I get to (hopefully) move to Hawaii with my best friend whom I plan on marrying (that’s not a hopefully, I am going to marry him). I will have to learn how to take care of him. I feel like most people think of marriage as the man “taking care” of the women but in reality that’s not how marriage works. You vow to take care of each other because you want to. Not just because it's in the vows. And I don’t just mean take care of him when he is sick. I mean emotionally, physically, financially, sexually, etc. Whatever it takes. Its called a partnership for a reason. Its equal work, 50-50 to make that 100% everyday. And when he has a horrible day and only gives 15% to the partnership than i will give the other 85% becaus...

Joshua makes me want to become a better version of myself. Not only that but he has given me so much love that I'm learning to spread the love and kindness in many forms. Our relationship is truly amazing. All I want to do is make him happy and feel loved and appreciated and he wants to protect me from everything and provide for me. We are also completely ourselves with one another. I'm not myself with 99% of the people in my life so to find a lifetime partner and best friend who is just as equally strange as I am is the best feeling. He can also calm my anxiety like no other person can. I've always been everyone's second or last choice in everything. He makes sure I know I am important to him and I'm his first and only choice. I'm also currently crying because I literally just feeel so blessed and undeserving of him. We had two real and honest heart to heart moments when I visited him for family day and they had to be some of my favorite moments with him. Grant...

All I can think about is how freaking blessed I am. Don't get me wrong, I've been through some shit but life isn't perfect. But my boyfriend, oh my god where do I even start with this man. I'm sitting here crying, excuse me, bawling happy tears at 4:30am because I'm just so grateful for him. He literally is my best friend. I genuinely love to just talk to him everyday or just sit in silence with him. I've never had a love this strong for anyone but my horse. Not even my own family which sounds horrible but it's true. Honestly I get along better with his family. He is just so... gosh he has me at a loss for words. I've been trying to describe him since I met him but I honestly can never do him justice with words. I wish I could just tell everyone about him like 24/7 and take him to meet everyone. One side of me wishes that everyone could see what I see in him. But then everyone would start to fall in love with him so the other side of me is like hell no. ...

Just assume that I have a facade on when I am happy and smiling from now on. I try to be happy but I know I won't be able to be because my boyfriend left today for basic training. I can still talk to him right now and I'm bawling my eyes out. Imagine how bad it will be when I can't be in any sort of contact with him. God. I miss him already.

Okay so I know I only post about sad things(that's because this is my stress reliever so don't hate) but this is going to be better than what I normally post. So my boyfriend went to Columbia yesterday for MEPS(military entry processing station). Basically he took some tests for the military and swore in. So yayyyy! He got in!! I'm so freaking proud of him like he doesn't even understand. He has been wanting this since before I met him. The military was being so slow but he was patient and determined to go through with he goal and god he is so unexplainable-incredibly-amazing. I'm going to be super duper sad when he leaves for basic on the 21st. He will be gone for 3 1/2 months so he will miss my prom and graduation which is kind of saddening but I'm going to do my best to look on the bright side of things. For example: My best friend's boyfriend is in Germany so we will be each other's prom dates and we can talk to each other about long distance. Gran...

I'm Miss Uma more than ever. Her one year death anniversary is coming up. And I don't want to be here anymore. Not here as in my house but as in on this earth. I don't want to be alive. I'm drained in every sense of the matter: emotionally, physically, mentally,  etc. I only want one thing and that is Uma. Unfortunatly, no  fucking person can give me that do my best bet to see her would be to die. The problem is I don't like hurting people and killing myself would hurt people. So if someone would like to come murder me I would appreciate you. A lot. Thanks.