So my nana had an ornament made for me with a picture of Uma and me on it and it says "In loving memory of Uma 2016".
I miss her. It's different just knowing she is dead then it is having a common thing done for people/animals when they die such as the "in loving memory" done for Uma. I love the ornament. I really do. And it brings back great memories of the day that picture was taking but I also think about how she isn't in my life anymore after she once was the most important thing in my life, even more important than my own life. She was and still is more important than my own life.
Like I said the other day in my blog things trigger my depression. This is one of those things. I honestly want to take a knife to my leg and just start cutting. Yes. At one point I did cut. I haven't done it in about two months and hopefully never again because I'm promised two very important people I would stop. But I really want to. Honestly. Everytime I look at one of my scars from cutting I get a sense of relief. Like maybe it's because Uma died in so much pain and knowing that the scars came from pain lessens my guilt. And you wonder where the guilt comes from. Well it should have been me. I should be the one in the grave and Uma should still be the boss bitch mare ruling her pasture. The scars are fading and my guilt is residing back to the surface along with my want and need to cut.
Cutting can be an addiction you know. It actually releases some sort of chemical in your body to help heal pain which makes you feel better which is why cutting feels so good to people like me that have emotional problems. One part of me wants to say "screw it, I'm done trying. I'm just going to let my emotions take control, I'm going to cut and if people leave my life because me cutting is hurting them then so be it. I don't care. I have no purpose in life. I'm not worthy of anyone's love and affection and people are better off without me" Then there's another part of me that wants to say "You are weak if you cut. Thats taking the easy way out. Woman up and deal with your emotions."
I miss her. It's different just knowing she is dead then it is having a common thing done for people/animals when they die such as the "in loving memory" done for Uma. I love the ornament. I really do. And it brings back great memories of the day that picture was taking but I also think about how she isn't in my life anymore after she once was the most important thing in my life, even more important than my own life. She was and still is more important than my own life.
Like I said the other day in my blog things trigger my depression. This is one of those things. I honestly want to take a knife to my leg and just start cutting. Yes. At one point I did cut. I haven't done it in about two months and hopefully never again because I'm promised two very important people I would stop. But I really want to. Honestly. Everytime I look at one of my scars from cutting I get a sense of relief. Like maybe it's because Uma died in so much pain and knowing that the scars came from pain lessens my guilt. And you wonder where the guilt comes from. Well it should have been me. I should be the one in the grave and Uma should still be the boss bitch mare ruling her pasture. The scars are fading and my guilt is residing back to the surface along with my want and need to cut.
Cutting can be an addiction you know. It actually releases some sort of chemical in your body to help heal pain which makes you feel better which is why cutting feels so good to people like me that have emotional problems. One part of me wants to say "screw it, I'm done trying. I'm just going to let my emotions take control, I'm going to cut and if people leave my life because me cutting is hurting them then so be it. I don't care. I have no purpose in life. I'm not worthy of anyone's love and affection and people are better off without me" Then there's another part of me that wants to say "You are weak if you cut. Thats taking the easy way out. Woman up and deal with your emotions."
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