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Between Fences

Don't get me wrong. I want to be happy but I'm in between fences. On one side I want to be happy but on the other side I want to hide in a corner and just grieve for Uma. That is the very least she deserves. That horse would've taken me to the ends of the Earth and back. I wish people would stop looking at her as my "pet". She was my best friend. She contributed to most of my qualities such as patience and forgiveness. She was not a house pet. I had to trust her with my LIFE every time I got near her. I don't trust anyone with my life. Okay. Actually I trust my best friend because I know she would take a bullet for me just as I would for her. But still! I trusted a 1,000 pound animal who doesn't didn't even speak over the entire human species excluding my best friend. Which is actually entirely sad on my part because I don't trust anyone. I don't have the slightest clue why I don't trust anyone, but I don't. I don't know. I just wish I had my love back. Gosh! Emotions are annoying. What's crazy about this annoyingly rhetorical rant about Uma is that absolutely nothing brought it on. I was just taking a bath and I just randomly thought of how weird Uma jumped. Like really brain! Really?! I was having such a great week. But now I feel all remorseful and guilty for taking pills to get rid of my hurting while my horse had to die and endure all of that pain and I can't even deal with emotions. Blah. Wish I could turn off my emotions with a flip of a switch. It would make mine and everyone else's lives much more simpler. I'm gonna go ride in the morning if I have motivation to remove myself from my bed. Jk it is morning. I should probably go to sleep. Oh wait. I can't sleep without taking NyQuil or melatonin or both because my brain won't shut down on it's own. Okay. I'm done. I just have to have an eccentric rant every once in a while.

No but really I had a pretty good ride on Juliet today. We worked on stamina and dressage movements because I watched the Olympics earlier and I became very motivated. Oh and I'm still mainly only eating drinking protein shakes because my stomach is stupid 🙃 But I really have had a great week. I just wish I had more time to ride.

I'm leaving Wednesday morning for Tennessee and then through the next couple of days we will make it to Ohio, Virginia, Kentucky, and Pennsylvania and then we are coming back Sunday

Also. I swear I'm not insane. I just have little moments where I need to rant about what my anxiety constantly makes me think. Or I am insane if you think that, that would be considered insane. Take it however you wish.

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