Empty

I miss you Uma so much. I know I've said it a thousand times but it gets worse every day and the pain won't go away. The doctor put me on a high amount of depression meds but they seem to only work for an hour or two. I need you back in my life. You were my rock and the only thing keeping me stable. I feel like I'm standing on a surfboard in the middle of an ocean storm without you. Everyone says it gets better as time goes on but they were very wrong and imformed me entirely erroneous. At first the pain is kind of bearable because the first months you are in shock or you are denying your feelings. Then one day something or someone reminds you of something that your loved one did or didn't do and you fall into a pit of dispare, loneliness, and suffering. Not only that but you want to be alone and sad. You want to cry yourself asleep hoping that your pain will end there but then instead of sleeping you dream of them and them being alive. You wake up realizing that they are not in your life anymore and never will be again because they died a terrible death that is on constant replay in your head with full visual and audio effects. And people have been telling you that it is your fault that they died. People don't realize that it affects you in several ways that they couldn't possibly ever understand and that your loved ones death was enough to make you want to die. When they say that, even if it was once and it was a 5 second sentence, it is forever engraved in the front of your mind waiting for your anxiety and depression to use it against you and give you a reason for not living anymore. "It was your fault. You shouldn't have done this. You should have done this. You killed her. It's all your fault." You realize that you have already spent your last days with them. The worst part is you start to forget. Truthfully you want to forget because you are hurting so deeply. But ever single day you wake up knowing they aren't there and you go to sleep knowing they are gone forever. Every conversation, action, place you go reminds you that they are dead, 10ft in the ground, and you wish you could trade places.