Random Thoughts

My best friend is one of the rare breeds of humans who puts everyone elses needs and feelings before her own. She had a bad day but didn't call me because she knew I had also had a bad and knew that I was I was with my flamboyant remedy(boss lady). Btw best friend. Please don't ever do that again. Please call me when you are in your car crying or whenever you need or want to talk. I might not have a car anymore to come pick you up and hang out but I would most definitely bycicle my ass down there or steal a car to make sure you are okay. Speaking of the boss lady. She had me read this past weeks blogs to her and she absolutely adored the name Flamboyant Remedy. She sent a screenshot to some of her friends because she liked it so much. I wish I could make everyone that happy but there is a point in life when you realize that you will always have someone who is bitter or annoyed at you. People can't help their emotional response unless they look deep down inside at their he...

Every two months in 2016 something bad happens: So long story short I was going to work today and I was trying to brake and the brakes didn't work so I wrecked/totaled my car. I feel really bad to because my nana just got the car for me. But the brakes just didn't work. Yeah. Unfortunately I didn't get my wish of dying. At least not today.

I spent most of the day cleaning my desk and room. Then later I went out with my best friend to go chair shopping but we ended up having to much fun doing random things in Target. We messed around in the makeup and my friend had a long day at band camp so she just laid down on the ground for 10ish minutes. It was quite hysterical watching people's faces when they saw her as they passed the aisle. Then we literally listened to every music card. We made it to the graduation cards and then it kind of hit us that we are seniors now. It honestly feels like I was a freshman like a year ago. It's just crazy how fast high school has gone by. I guess it's kinda bitter sweet because I have loved my high school experience but I'm ready for college. I'm also glad that I'm taking college classes this year so I can get a feel of what college is like. However there is still that constant fear and anxiety about not getting into the college you want or not being able to enter in...

I have spent the past week slowly cleaning my room. I got rid of the desk in my room so I have a lot more space now. I am going to use that space for my reading chair that I will hopefully be searching for sometime tomorrow afternoon. I've seen some chairs in target and TJ Max but im goingt to try a couple of antique stores because chairs can always be reupholstered. Oh I also want an ottoman that opens so I can stash things in there. Anyway my room isn't actually organized yet due to the fact that I have a bunch of stuff that was in or on my desk that no longer has a place in my room. So it's just kinda on my floor or in my drawer designated for random things. I did spend a good 15 minutes trying to unclump our hand held/tube vacuum. It was clumped full of leaves and cat hair. I'm not sure why on the leaves because we don't have plants indoors and why in the world would someone take it outside?! I don't know. Maybe we have a ghost in my house(which wouldn't...

So first of all. I love my job but we were understaffed tonight because you know. It's a Monday. Not that many people come in during the week days. WELL YOU COULDV'E FOOLED ME TONIGHT! I was the only hostess which meant I was already doing the job of 4 people which would have been fine if a bunch of people didn't decide to come in at once and have a line to the freaking door. Luckily I had some help from my coworkers(waiters/waitresses) who sat some people for me while I was seating large parties and what not. It was stressful but I got through it. Also. I had to use my anxiety medication yesterday. Which I'm bummed about because it's frustrating not being about to control it and when it comes or what it comes from. Granted I know exactly what some of it comes from. The medication worked great and made me not give any you know whats about anything but it still sucks having to depend on medication to fix my many problems. Side note: My doctor is trying to find me...

I get to work 4 days this week which makes me super happy, I got my phone fixed and a new case, I'm on new medication and i feel fabulous, and i drove 1 1/2 hours to eat at my favorite restaurant tonight! Great day! Oh and I got tipped at work?! I'm a hostess so it's not usual to get tipped but guess what!!I DID!!!

I had a better day. I visited my super awesome therapist today(who wants me to think of a cooler name then therapist if I'm going to blog about her because the word therapist is boring and has a negative connotation and she is most definitely neither of those adjectives. So I'm gonna call her The Boss Lady or my Flamboyant Remedy until I find something that fits her large personality more). So yeah. The Boss Lady taught me how to meditate today. It uniquely and temporarily relieved my anxiety. I had to meditate two other times today. Oh I I ate real food without throwing it up today! So yeah! Progress! My nana talked to my doctor and after having anxiety since 7th grade my nana has finally decided that she will allow me to be put on anxiety meds. I'm also changing my depression meds because they most definitely wear off around 6 o'clock or earlier everyday. But my doctor has to see me in order to change the medication so it won't change until next week probably. A...

My anxiety and depression has been the worst it has ever been this week. I physically can't somach food and I can barely go to sleep because my mind won't shut off.  I can't stop thinking of Uma's death and when I do my brain just gives me a bazillion other reasons why I suck and why people don't want to hang out with me or talk to me or why people don't love me and how I have let everyone down. Somewhere very deep down I think it's not true but when your brain is only ever telling you how much of a crappy rider and friend and human being you are you start to believe it. Every single thing has been giving me anxiety. I already deleted my Facebook and snapchat apps because I had another panic attack yesterday because of them. I met my therapist today. I just got asked a long list of questions by her assistant? I'm going back again tomorrow even though I went today. Apparently going two days in a row means you are pretty screwed up. So great. I'm scr...

Just kidding. My anxiety came back again. You know why. SOCIAL MEDIA. Okay I'm really done. The anxiety attack was me thinking someone was going to leave me and now I'm freaking out and I don't know what to do. I just saw a picture of a horse that go shot in the leg but the horse was the same color as Uma and was holding her the same way Uma did when she broke it and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm deleting social media. I hate my life. Someone please kill me.

So the day started off pretty rough, as normal. I went to the barn around 1:00 and did my best to dig into Uma's grave but I ended up breaking two of my hand shovels. It was also really freaking hot and I was digging into rock hard clay. So I'm sweating, crying, and I hadn't eaten in 24 hours(due to the fact that my food wouldn't stay down last night) all while using what energy I had to dig. I ended up just going up to my trainers house and grabbing two large shovels. I had 3/6 holes dug by the time I finished my two waters so I left to go to QT. I bought a 50 ounce bottle of water, a Gatorade, and a red bull. I chugged the red bull down in hopes of getting some sort of energy out of it. My trainer came up to me as I was digging my fourth hole and offered up the idea of a pickaxe(which by the way, if anyone is digging on hard surfaces you should totally use a pickaxe because it was hella helpful). Then she came back again because she wanted to know how to edit videos a...

 Tomorrow would have been mine and Uma's four year anniversary. Oh how I wish I had more time with her but no amount of time would have been enough. Eternity, in my mind, would have been the only thing acceptable but unfortunately that could never be a reality and it all came to an end quicker than I could have ever imagined. But now it's all I think about.. I had my second panic attack ever today. My anxiety was already high but then I checked my Timehop and a post from July 18th, 2013 happily expressing my one year anniversary with Uma. It explained that I posted it a day early because I planned on spending our anniversary with Uma so I wouldn't have time to post it on the actual date. It also explained about how far we had come. Then it hit me that she is gone forever. It's not the first time that I've realized that she is indefinitely gone but it's just the worst that it has ever hit me. My brain pushes that fact to the back of my mind and then it pops up ...

I spent the day with my best friend shopping and what not. I'm so lucky to have her in my life!  Check Out Her Blog My anxiety just got really bad so imma go do stuff because I'm quietly freaking out. A lot. Over-thinking

I GOT A CAR

I went and looked at two cars today. I think I actually might be getting one of them. It's a Cadillac but it's a sedan which I'm not to excited about. The car itself is super super nice and has low mileage which is why I choose it over the SUV we looked at. I only wanted an SUV to haul my horse stuff but  after my lease ends I'm not sure how much I'm going to ride I'll just try and get this nice Cadillac. Side note: I have to be the most passive aggressive person ever. I will be secretly mad at a person for weeks and they will never even know. Or they are smart enough to figure it out that I'm mad at them and I tell them that I'm not even if I really am just because I don't want to argue or make the person feel bad. Even though I was the one who's feelings were hurt. Juliet was so perfect tonight! We worked on long and low at a slow, consistent pace. She can do long and low but then she will start to speed up and tense her neck so I was h...

I'm tired of how much my emotion controls my day. I'm tired at how someone can say something positive to you and you not believe it or have it effect you. However the moment someone says something negative to you, you believe it and your whole rest of your day and possibly longer just sucks. I'm tired of people talking about their horses and their bonds with their perfect horse while mine is the ground. I'm tired of giving people everything I have whether it be emotion or action and in return getting a slap in the face. I'm tired of having to go to the barn to see my dead horse and having to talk to her in an open place. I'm tired of people thinking I'm crazy because I'm depressed. I'm tired of people trying to act like they know how I feel or what I lost because last time I checked they didn't loose their soul and have their heart shattered into trillions of pieces. I'm tired of people thinking that I post stuff about Uma or my depression to...

My entire 24 hours has revolved around Pokémon and I blame it on Ava for getting me addicted 😂 So for those of you who don't know, PokémonGo is a new app in which you catch Pokemon and have gym battles. However it requires your city and different landmarks in your city to find these Pokémon and gyms. They also have these things called pokestops which is just a landmark in your city that gives out free Pokémon items in the app if you get close enough. My sister and I downloaded the game around 11:30pm yesterday and stayed up until 1:30am walking around outside searching for Pokémon. Then we volunteered at a car show and one of the other volunteers was talking about it to us. Turns out he had been a Gym leader at one of the near by gyms until someone else won. He kept telling us he was going to win it back. We all got along really well and joked a lot about running away to find Pokémon. You just had to be there to think it was funny. Then on the way home I made my sister stop a...

In general, I don't like people but I like people as individuals. For instance. It turns out more people that I know read my blog and are actually concerned with my life and what happens to me. That sounds completely idiotic but anxiety and depression make you forget these things or make you not believe them. To my best friend: You came by while I was at the barn today and dropped off a couple items in hopes to make me feel better. You gifted me with two cards. a little zebra, and a freaking bath bomb which I am still completely baffled that you did this for me. Not because it's not something you would do because you have done these kind hearted gestures for me for the longest time but because of some other recent events that I was not proud of. You are such a lovely and wonderful human being that I do not deserve. I'm not sure how or why that you chose me to be your best friend but I'm so beyond blessed that you were placed in my life 11 years ago and that you been t...

In reality no one cares how I feel. No one truly cares about me. It's just an act they put on to be nosy. Or they feel bad about something they did in the past or claim they understand and try to "help". They only ask me questions so they can tell themselves later that at least they "tried" to figure out what was bothering her. I try everyday to give out as much love as I have to my family and friends but I never feel like it is reciprocated. I just feel like I keep giving and giving and even do the smallest of things to make people happy and it isn't ever returned. I write to express my thoughts and feelings instead of bothering people with them for a reason. I'm not on here writing for attention but to the people who do read, Please stop pretending to care and pretend I was never here. I miss my Uma. I never felt that way with her. She was my love. I gave her all my heart and time and she gave me all her love and determination. I just want my pony b...

I find it fascinating how our brains can relate a song back to a certain time in life. Or how our brain can retain lyrics. I cracked my phone today. So if I mess up my spelling I'm not apologizing because my phone hates me along with all technology 😑😒 It's so easy now to pretend that I'm fine now. It's kind of sad. Which is even more sad? Whatever. I'm going to go take a bath. I really want a bath bomb 😭 I hate that feeling you get after you try something but it is a failed attempt. And then you are annoyed/sad/pissed about it so everyone that talks to you, you want to reply with a snarky and ride comment. I also hate oblivious people. That's all I'm saying about that. I'm such a terrible human. The only thing I write about is me being emotional all the time. I'm so tempted to just completely switch off my emotions. But then I wouldn't care about getting anything done and that wouldn't end well.

Nothing much happened. I rode two ponies and bathed my pony. I'm not working any this week which is sad because I hate sitting at home all day 😞 I wish people would mind their own business when it comes to horses. People shouldn't be throwing out careless words and saying what they believe to be true because it can really cause some damage to a riders mind. First of all you should realize that there is a behind the scenes story for everyone and every moment that you encounter. Saying something like "Your horse doesn't respect you or love you." can have the same effect as telling a a married couple  "Your spouse is cheating on you because they don't love you". Even though it isn't true, you can't get it out of your head. Really think before you speak and how it might effect someone's heart and soul. Mind what you say because words are like toothpaste. Once it comes out, you can't put it back in.

I got my table numbers down and it's only my second day!!!! Ahh! That makes me so happy because I studied the table numbers before I went to bed last night! I'm such a nerd getting happy over table numbers. 😂 Also two of my coworkers think that this other coworker is flirting with me and I find that halarious. Then they also warned me about another coworker that is overly flirtatious when he is single. Apparently he isn't single right now but they aren't sure how long it will last? 😂😂 I don't know. This has been an interesting job. I got to catch up with an old friend who works with me. I love having those friends where you can not talk to for a couple months and then come back and pick up conversations as if no time has passed. Side note: I just got done reading my best friends blog and she used the "side note" thing in her blog and in parentheses she said ( and yes I did steal this side note format from you <3 )  I was laughing so hard when I r...

So today was my first day of training on the job. It was hella hectic mainly because I was still figuring out table numbers or I would have to find a booster seat for a child or switch tables for people because they didn't like the table. It was interesting to see how different people responded to me. Most people understood when I told them I was in training because everyone has been there and done that. ~Side note: Am I the only one that checks how long it has been since you sent a message and hasn't responded but you know they saw it because they were just one Facebook. Oh well. I'm just creepy I guess and I hate texting because people have the option of pretending like they didn't see your message. I want to talk to people face to face. Any other communication is not good enough for me. Then there were some people that were waiting on their family and became super nervous if they didn't show up within 30 seconds. There was even one lady who was very tense ...

I rode 3 horses today and I worked at the barn. I am dead tired and I want to sleep a week but I have to get up at 8 because I have real work(my actual job) tomorrow and then I have to ride 4 horses tomorrow.