In general, I don't like people but I like people as individuals. For instance. It turns out more people that I know read my blog and are actually concerned with my life and what happens to me. That sounds completely idiotic but anxiety and depression make you forget these things or make you not believe them.
To my best friend: You came by while I was at the barn today and dropped off a couple items in hopes to make me feel better. You gifted me with two cards. a little zebra, and a freaking bath bomb which I am still completely baffled that you did this for me. Not because it's not something you would do because you have done these kind hearted gestures for me for the longest time but because of some other recent events that I was not proud of. You are such a lovely and wonderful human being that I do not deserve. I'm not sure how or why that you chose me to be your best friend but I'm so beyond blessed that you were placed in my life 11 years ago and that you been there every step of the way both good and bad. I apologize and I am so, so very sorry for any worry and anxiety I caused you this past week. It was not intentional but I swear I will give all my might to prevent it from ever happening again. I love you and thank you for always being there for me even when I'm a terrible person 💖
See. The thing is, I've never been an emtionally-open person. Ever. People who only kind of know me and definitely everyone before reading my blog would think I was hard to approach or think that I am a bitter, emotionless person because that is the front that I put on. The truth is that I am insecure about letting people in because I think that they will run away when I tell them or they will want nothing to do with me because I am too much to handle. If anyone does that, I don't blame you. I become happy at the smallest things and angry or annoyed at the smallest things. But I just don't tell people when they piss me off. I'm more of the passive aggressive type and I try to avoid conversations with them. My mood changes just as fast as the speed of a a humming bird and I apologize for that but I'm can't control it. The fact that I'm writing this down is a step forward I guess? Because I didn't start my blog until after Uma died is probably not helping my emotional over load that I'm tossing onto my readers because none of my readers got insight on my daily emotions before Uma passed. After I posted my blog last night I slowly received discreet calls, messages, and talks within the next 18 hours. I'm sorry to all of you who I caused to worry. I had a really bad evening yesterday. I'm not sure why because even the smallest thing can trigger my depression. And I feel so bad when that happens because I swear I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings or fun. I'm just a teenage girl who is already emotional but then she lost the love of her life and she is still trying to figure it all out. Losing Uma was the easiest part of this whole thing unfortunately. Continuing living my life and acting like everything is normal is the hard part. She is in my daily conversations. "Uma does.... Uma used to do that." "I remember when Uma......". It's just so hard losing such a loving, beautiful child and watching the entire thing happen. Then later on being told it was your fault and then being told that it wasn't your fault and it was going to happen either way but still believeing that it is your fault and constantly holding it against yourself. Then every time I ride I think that "what if I ....... And they break their bone and I kill another horse" or someone jokingly saying "Don't kill them" and not meaning it in that way but that is the way I took it. Great. I'm crying and I don't know what else to say but I'm sorry for saying what I said yesterday and I appreciate everyone and everything that y'all do for me. But I can't help my emotions. I wish I could turn them off and just not care but I don't want to forget my Uma ever. If I forget then that means she really is dead so I'd rather pretend like she is still here or continue to bring up memories of her or compare horses to her(obviously she will always win in the comparison). It makes me feel like she is still here and it makes me feel better. I really miss her. Okay. That's enough crying for the day. I think I'm going to try and go to sleep now because my phone keeps reminding me it is time for bed.
To my best friend: You came by while I was at the barn today and dropped off a couple items in hopes to make me feel better. You gifted me with two cards. a little zebra, and a freaking bath bomb which I am still completely baffled that you did this for me. Not because it's not something you would do because you have done these kind hearted gestures for me for the longest time but because of some other recent events that I was not proud of. You are such a lovely and wonderful human being that I do not deserve. I'm not sure how or why that you chose me to be your best friend but I'm so beyond blessed that you were placed in my life 11 years ago and that you been there every step of the way both good and bad. I apologize and I am so, so very sorry for any worry and anxiety I caused you this past week. It was not intentional but I swear I will give all my might to prevent it from ever happening again. I love you and thank you for always being there for me even when I'm a terrible person 💖
See. The thing is, I've never been an emtionally-open person. Ever. People who only kind of know me and definitely everyone before reading my blog would think I was hard to approach or think that I am a bitter, emotionless person because that is the front that I put on. The truth is that I am insecure about letting people in because I think that they will run away when I tell them or they will want nothing to do with me because I am too much to handle. If anyone does that, I don't blame you. I become happy at the smallest things and angry or annoyed at the smallest things. But I just don't tell people when they piss me off. I'm more of the passive aggressive type and I try to avoid conversations with them. My mood changes just as fast as the speed of a a humming bird and I apologize for that but I'm can't control it. The fact that I'm writing this down is a step forward I guess? Because I didn't start my blog until after Uma died is probably not helping my emotional over load that I'm tossing onto my readers because none of my readers got insight on my daily emotions before Uma passed. After I posted my blog last night I slowly received discreet calls, messages, and talks within the next 18 hours. I'm sorry to all of you who I caused to worry. I had a really bad evening yesterday. I'm not sure why because even the smallest thing can trigger my depression. And I feel so bad when that happens because I swear I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings or fun. I'm just a teenage girl who is already emotional but then she lost the love of her life and she is still trying to figure it all out. Losing Uma was the easiest part of this whole thing unfortunately. Continuing living my life and acting like everything is normal is the hard part. She is in my daily conversations. "Uma does.... Uma used to do that." "I remember when Uma......". It's just so hard losing such a loving, beautiful child and watching the entire thing happen. Then later on being told it was your fault and then being told that it wasn't your fault and it was going to happen either way but still believeing that it is your fault and constantly holding it against yourself. Then every time I ride I think that "what if I ....... And they break their bone and I kill another horse" or someone jokingly saying "Don't kill them" and not meaning it in that way but that is the way I took it. Great. I'm crying and I don't know what else to say but I'm sorry for saying what I said yesterday and I appreciate everyone and everything that y'all do for me. But I can't help my emotions. I wish I could turn them off and just not care but I don't want to forget my Uma ever. If I forget then that means she really is dead so I'd rather pretend like she is still here or continue to bring up memories of her or compare horses to her(obviously she will always win in the comparison). It makes me feel like she is still here and it makes me feel better. I really miss her. Okay. That's enough crying for the day. I think I'm going to try and go to sleep now because my phone keeps reminding me it is time for bed.
Comments
Post a Comment