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I'm Sorry

My anxiety and depression has been the worst it has ever been this week. I physically can't somach food and I can barely go to sleep because my mind won't shut off.  I can't stop thinking of Uma's death and when I do my brain just gives me a bazillion other reasons why I suck and why people don't want to hang out with me or talk to me or why people don't love me and how I have let everyone down. Somewhere very deep down I think it's not true but when your brain is only ever telling you how much of a crappy rider and friend and human being you are you start to believe it. Every single thing has been giving me anxiety. I already deleted my Facebook and snapchat apps because I had another panic attack yesterday because of them.
I met my therapist today. I just got asked a long list of questions by her assistant? I'm going back again tomorrow even though I went today. Apparently going two days in a row means you are pretty screwed up. So great. I'm screwed up. More to the list of things wrong with me and why I shouldn't be on this Earth.
I don't have motivation to do anything. I haven't ridden since Sunday. And it's not even that. I feel like i don't deserve to have fun or be loved because I killed my horse and know she is in the ground where I should be. I just want to ball up in my blankets and just hide for he rest of my life. Which is what I'm doing right now. I want to talk to people to shut my mind up but I don't want other people to become miserable because I'm such a boring human to be around and talk to. So I'll just stay in my ball of blankets as far away from human life form because I'm a disappointment anyway.

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