So the day started off pretty rough, as normal. I went to the barn around 1:00 and did my best to dig into Uma's grave but I ended up breaking two of my hand shovels. It was also really freaking hot and I was digging into rock hard clay. So I'm sweating, crying, and I hadn't eaten in 24 hours(due to the fact that my food wouldn't stay down last night) all while using what energy I had to dig. I ended up just going up to my trainers house and grabbing two large shovels. I had 3/6 holes dug by the time I finished my two waters so I left to go to QT. I bought a 50 ounce bottle of water, a Gatorade, and a red bull. I chugged the red bull down in hopes of getting some sort of energy out of it. My trainer came up to me as I was digging my fourth hole and offered up the idea of a pickaxe(which by the way, if anyone is digging on hard surfaces you should totally use a pickaxe because it was hella helpful). Then she came back again because she wanted to know how to edit videos and what not. So I helped her out some by showing her some neat little apps and she was super amazed. She also let me back up the trailer(my first time) so she could clean it out which probably was one of the highlights of my day because I didn't crash it or jack knife it or mess up in any way so that was great! She also went to QT and bought me food and a Dr. Pepper because by that time I had finished off all of my other drinks. I only ate the cheese stick she got me because it was already like 5 o'clock and I was determined to finish weeding and seeding before it got dark. I also still haven't eaten because I want to blog.
Moving along from the summary of my seemingly boring day. I didn't have anxiety at all today. I don't know how to explain it but it was like I was with Uma again when I was at her grave. I also think that I have felt guilty for not doing anything for her yet so that weight was lifted off of my shoulders. It might also be that I did not once bother with social media while I was with her. I think that I get a lot of my anxiety from what others post on social media or just in general what I see. Like at this point of time, I have no idea what is going on with the police or news in general because I have banned myself from watching it. It reasonably puts me in a god awful mood anytime I have to watch what is going on. I'm also one of those people that gets jealous/offended/upset at the stupidest things but I mean its not like I can help how I feel. Like even someone not liking my photo. Like really. Why?! Who cares?! Well apparently my feelings do. However, even though I know it is stupid, it still brings my day to a screeching halt because that will be the only thing I will think of the rest of the day thanks to my wonderful little friend called anxiety. So I turned off all my notifications when people post things so I will be less tempted to look at my phone at unnecessary times. I'm also starting counseling tomorrow and I'm actually low-key excited for it. Like I said yesterday, I feel bad bothering friends with my problems and it is awkward telling my family so I just hold my emotions in until I mentally explode. AKA yesterday. Anyway. I need someone to talk to and I have no one to talk to(because Uma was that someone) so now I do.
Anyway. I'm sorry that I suck at blogging, to hang out with, talk to, be around, doodly do dah day, etc. At this point, I have accepted it and I might be pushing people away but its the best for everyone. Just doing whats good for the majority.
So I just got back from Ingles because my papa wanted ice cream. I accepted his request because he always gives me the change when I do errands for him so I was chill with it. Anyway, I realized how messed up I am after today. So first of all the entire upper half of my back is the color of a strawberry. Also, my hands are blistered. One of them popped when I got home and it feels like I decided to poke the sun. My entire leg is just gonna fall off. I already have a bad left ankle and I keep accidentally banging my pinky-toe into everything and it hurts to move it and now I managed to stretch out my thigh muscle too much so I am hobbling around.
There was also a ginormous wreck that I passed on the way home and I think someone died.
Side note: I have now eaten a small spoon full of ice cream and feel sick again.
All in all, I think it was an enlightening day. I figured out that I'm a terrible human to be around and that I still only want Uma. Happy Anniversary Ums!
Side note: I also have come to the conclusion that I'm bitter that Uma got to leave and I'm still stuck here. Also don't mind me. My depression meds seem to not work anymore so I am just a large bundle of joy and bitterness. Can you tell.
Moving along from the summary of my seemingly boring day. I didn't have anxiety at all today. I don't know how to explain it but it was like I was with Uma again when I was at her grave. I also think that I have felt guilty for not doing anything for her yet so that weight was lifted off of my shoulders. It might also be that I did not once bother with social media while I was with her. I think that I get a lot of my anxiety from what others post on social media or just in general what I see. Like at this point of time, I have no idea what is going on with the police or news in general because I have banned myself from watching it. It reasonably puts me in a god awful mood anytime I have to watch what is going on. I'm also one of those people that gets jealous/offended/upset at the stupidest things but I mean its not like I can help how I feel. Like even someone not liking my photo. Like really. Why?! Who cares?! Well apparently my feelings do. However, even though I know it is stupid, it still brings my day to a screeching halt because that will be the only thing I will think of the rest of the day thanks to my wonderful little friend called anxiety. So I turned off all my notifications when people post things so I will be less tempted to look at my phone at unnecessary times. I'm also starting counseling tomorrow and I'm actually low-key excited for it. Like I said yesterday, I feel bad bothering friends with my problems and it is awkward telling my family so I just hold my emotions in until I mentally explode. AKA yesterday. Anyway. I need someone to talk to and I have no one to talk to(because Uma was that someone) so now I do.
Anyway. I'm sorry that I suck at blogging, to hang out with, talk to, be around, doodly do dah day, etc. At this point, I have accepted it and I might be pushing people away but its the best for everyone. Just doing whats good for the majority.
So I just got back from Ingles because my papa wanted ice cream. I accepted his request because he always gives me the change when I do errands for him so I was chill with it. Anyway, I realized how messed up I am after today. So first of all the entire upper half of my back is the color of a strawberry. Also, my hands are blistered. One of them popped when I got home and it feels like I decided to poke the sun. My entire leg is just gonna fall off. I already have a bad left ankle and I keep accidentally banging my pinky-toe into everything and it hurts to move it and now I managed to stretch out my thigh muscle too much so I am hobbling around.
There was also a ginormous wreck that I passed on the way home and I think someone died.
Side note: I have now eaten a small spoon full of ice cream and feel sick again.
All in all, I think it was an enlightening day. I figured out that I'm a terrible human to be around and that I still only want Uma. Happy Anniversary Ums!
Side note: I also have come to the conclusion that I'm bitter that Uma got to leave and I'm still stuck here. Also don't mind me. My depression meds seem to not work anymore so I am just a large bundle of joy and bitterness. Can you tell.
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