Tomorrow would have been mine and Uma's four year anniversary. Oh how I wish I had more time with her but no amount of time would have been enough. Eternity, in my mind, would have been the only thing acceptable but unfortunately that could never be a reality and it all came to an end quicker than I could have ever imagined. But now it's all I think about..
I had my second panic attack ever today. My anxiety was already high but then I checked my Timehop and a post from July 18th, 2013 happily expressing my one year anniversary with Uma. It explained that I posted it a day early because I planned on spending our anniversary with Uma so I wouldn't have time to post it on the actual date. It also explained about how far we had come. Then it hit me that she is gone forever. It's not the first time that I've realized that she is indefinitely gone but it's just the worst that it has ever hit me. My brain pushes that fact to the back of my mind and then it pops up and has very bad timing. By that I mean I was at my friends house and I started breathing extremely heavily, my chest was pounding, I started having acid reflux, and I started crying. Fortunately, my friend has a great mother who comforted me which I really, really needed in general and I'm so very thankful for her. It's different when it's someone elses mom versus my nana. I love my nana but I just don't like to be weak in front of her because she has always been so strong for me and she is an awkward comforter. I'm just ranting now. I rather rant out as much as I can before I go into my room, close the door, turn off all the lights when it is light outside, and cover myself in large blankets on my bed and cry myself to sleep... again. Anyway, I feel really bad for crying in front of my friends because I don't ever want anyone's happy/good mood to be ruined because of me and my stupid uncontrollable pain and emotions. Which is one reason why I decided today that I am going to start going to a consouler because they are payed to listen to my problems unlike my friends and i don't ever want my friends to think of me as the depressed, fun killing friend that know one ever wants to be around if they don't already think that. My friends mom also helped push me in that direction which again, I am so, very, extremely thankful for her always but especially today. Just being there for me to hug while I was crying was oddly comforting. She has a very motherly soul and such a wonderfully kind heart..
I quickly left her house in a sobbing and heavy breathing mess. I'm glad that I have my own car now because it allows me to cry as loud and as long as I want to. Which is also interesting because I have already cried in my car more times than the amount of days I have owned it. For example: I've had the car for 4 days and I've cried in it 3 different times just today. Yay. I have such a great freaking life(*that was sarcasm for anyone who is questioning*). Anyway. I went to Lowe's to buy flowers for Uma's grave. It took me 15 minutes to get out of the car because I was still crying from when I left my friends house. Like loud obnoxious crying.
Also. Do you know how many times, today alone, I have thought of quiting horseback? It's a most definite unreasonable amount. Look back at the word happily in the second paragraph. Ever since the night of February 28th of 2016 that word has disappeared from my life. Which is ironic because so many people think that I'm happy. For example: after I got done bawling my eyes out to my friends' mother she told me that I did a great job at hiding all my feelings from everyone. Which means that I need to go into acting because I'm great at faking a smile/laugh/blah blah blah. Also, a friend of mine that just recently moved to Kentucky texted me when I got home from Lowe's telling me that she had a dream shortly after Uma died about me that she forgot to tell me. She said that in the dream I had gotten another horse and I cantered by her and I was smiling. She said that she was glad that I was happy with my new(her dream) horse. Then she proceeded to tell me that she was proud of me for taking on Juliet and how strong I was for not giving up riding. Which honestly I needed so much more than I thought. I don't realize how much support I need from people until I am given it and it makes me requestion my previous thoughts.
And when I got home a had one chicken nugget and then threw it up. I had a great day. What about you.
I had my second panic attack ever today. My anxiety was already high but then I checked my Timehop and a post from July 18th, 2013 happily expressing my one year anniversary with Uma. It explained that I posted it a day early because I planned on spending our anniversary with Uma so I wouldn't have time to post it on the actual date. It also explained about how far we had come. Then it hit me that she is gone forever. It's not the first time that I've realized that she is indefinitely gone but it's just the worst that it has ever hit me. My brain pushes that fact to the back of my mind and then it pops up and has very bad timing. By that I mean I was at my friends house and I started breathing extremely heavily, my chest was pounding, I started having acid reflux, and I started crying. Fortunately, my friend has a great mother who comforted me which I really, really needed in general and I'm so very thankful for her. It's different when it's someone elses mom versus my nana. I love my nana but I just don't like to be weak in front of her because she has always been so strong for me and she is an awkward comforter. I'm just ranting now. I rather rant out as much as I can before I go into my room, close the door, turn off all the lights when it is light outside, and cover myself in large blankets on my bed and cry myself to sleep... again. Anyway, I feel really bad for crying in front of my friends because I don't ever want anyone's happy/good mood to be ruined because of me and my stupid uncontrollable pain and emotions. Which is one reason why I decided today that I am going to start going to a consouler because they are payed to listen to my problems unlike my friends and i don't ever want my friends to think of me as the depressed, fun killing friend that know one ever wants to be around if they don't already think that. My friends mom also helped push me in that direction which again, I am so, very, extremely thankful for her always but especially today. Just being there for me to hug while I was crying was oddly comforting. She has a very motherly soul and such a wonderfully kind heart..
I quickly left her house in a sobbing and heavy breathing mess. I'm glad that I have my own car now because it allows me to cry as loud and as long as I want to. Which is also interesting because I have already cried in my car more times than the amount of days I have owned it. For example: I've had the car for 4 days and I've cried in it 3 different times just today. Yay. I have such a great freaking life(*that was sarcasm for anyone who is questioning*). Anyway. I went to Lowe's to buy flowers for Uma's grave. It took me 15 minutes to get out of the car because I was still crying from when I left my friends house. Like loud obnoxious crying.
Also. Do you know how many times, today alone, I have thought of quiting horseback? It's a most definite unreasonable amount. Look back at the word happily in the second paragraph. Ever since the night of February 28th of 2016 that word has disappeared from my life. Which is ironic because so many people think that I'm happy. For example: after I got done bawling my eyes out to my friends' mother she told me that I did a great job at hiding all my feelings from everyone. Which means that I need to go into acting because I'm great at faking a smile/laugh/blah blah blah. Also, a friend of mine that just recently moved to Kentucky texted me when I got home from Lowe's telling me that she had a dream shortly after Uma died about me that she forgot to tell me. She said that in the dream I had gotten another horse and I cantered by her and I was smiling. She said that she was glad that I was happy with my new(her dream) horse. Then she proceeded to tell me that she was proud of me for taking on Juliet and how strong I was for not giving up riding. Which honestly I needed so much more than I thought. I don't realize how much support I need from people until I am given it and it makes me requestion my previous thoughts.
And when I got home a had one chicken nugget and then threw it up. I had a great day. What about you.
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