Random Thoughts

So my nana had an ornament made for me with a picture of Uma and me on it and it says "In loving memory of Uma 2016". I miss her. It's different just knowing she is dead then it is having a common thing done for people/animals when they die such as the "in loving memory" done for Uma. I love the ornament. I really do. And it brings back great memories of the day that picture was taking but I also think about how she isn't in my life anymore after she once was the most important thing in my life, even more important than my own life. She was and still is more important than my own life. Like I said the other day in my blog things trigger my depression. This is one of those things. I honestly want to take a knife to my leg and just start cutting. Yes. At one point I did cut. I haven't done it in about two months and hopefully never again because I'm promised two very important people I would stop. But I really want to. Honestly. Everytime I look at...

I had an awesome clinic with Freddy(a professional show jumper from Tryon NC) the other day. He basically just confirmed what I already knew that I needed to work on but he also gave me several tips and exercises that helped me. One of my problems is having my hands to high. I do this because I ride Juliet in a hackamore and putting my hands where they should actually be doesn't actually have any effect on her. I put my hands down when I see the distance because she knows her job and I want to let her do it but until I see it I keep my hands up to slow her down. But he wanted me to keep my hands down the entire time but oh well. Next time I want him to get on her. It would be pretty cool to see him ride miss little spunky pony. I'm very content with how life is going at the moment. It also helps that I'm on depression/anxiety medicine so I don't pay to much attention to things that would normally upset me. Which is a good and a bad thing. It's great not being sad ...

They say "the first to apologize is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest, and the first to forget is the happiest." Well, I apologize when it's not my fault, I forgive easily and when I probably shouldn't, but I'm freaking screwed over on happiness because I can't forget the things I would like to. I wish people would just own up to there mistakes and stop trying to make excuses for it. I willingly own up to mine. For instance. I listen more than I talk and because of this, I know how to get under people's skin in very few words based on my expierences with them and their personality. I will bring up past issues and beat you over the head with them until you feel worthless. I know I do it and I fully admit to it. During that time of me being frustrated or angry, when I'm getting under people's skin I usually don't realize I'm doing it until I get out of my frustrated/angry state of mind. Then I feel bad and beat myself up f...

Woah it's been a little while since I blogged. Opps. I've just been hella busy with work and school and horses and boyfriend and life... anyway. Yeah. I started my medicine back like last week sometime and I'm so glad I did because I feel a lot better. But I forgot to take it at my normal time today by like 3 hours and I had a total mood swing and I kinda feel bad about it. Side note: I'm dying for some chicken minis from Chick-fil-A right now 😫😫😫 if they sold chicken minis all day instead of just breakfast they would make so much more money but what evs. I'm so freaking lost in math right now. We are learning about z scores and t scores and hypothesis testing and not like science hypotheses testing but like statistics that involves numbers and standard deviation and they can be left, right, or two tailed tests. Also, each one you have to use a different chart but if you say it's a right tail instead of a two tail then you will screw up the problem because ...

It's a constant battle: to remember or forget. With remembering I don't get to remember just the good times. I don't get to remember just the times that I spent hacking my precious pony in the fields going on galloping adventures. I don't just get to remember the times I was given her sweet and begging kisses. I don't get to just remember all the times that we won at shows after so much hard work. With remembering comes remembering the night she died. The loud crack from across the arena. The confusion, fear, and pain in her eyes. Her entire body shaking from the shock. I'm sorry I can't finish the blog. I'm too upset

Not gonna lie. Today has been shit and stressful and literally everyone has pissed me off today in some sort of way. And because my day was shit my mind in the past always went to Uma but the problem is that it still does that. Unfortunate Uma is dead so when I have a freaking poop day my mind goes to my dead horse and I cry and just start thinking hella suicidal. (No. I'm not gonna kill myself. Go away. I don't want your affection. I only want my Uma who is freaking 9ft in the ground and not breathing so no. You cannot help me in any sort of way. Fuck off. Honestly. I don't give any flying shits if I cuss on this because it's my blog and don't read it if you don't like swearing. Okay fine. I'll scratch it out but you will still see it.) UGGGHGJFHFHGHDJSNDJANS but high key if I could just get hit by a truck right now it would be great. Or if someone magically could show up at my door step and shoot me or stab me. Or something. Low key think I need my depr...

Fun Fact: I hate turkey. It has like no flavor. I'll eat it but I'd prefer ham. So I have finally come to the conclusion that I'm just never going to be able to be the same person as I was when I had Uma, whether it be with or without medication and counseling. People can make me quite heated or frustrated by doing things that I would have shrugged at before. Its kind of saddening because its like I have a constant fire burning in me and it creates tons of energy but the only way my body can rid of it is through anger or crying. I'd prefer to cry because when I get angry it puts everyone in a bad/mad mood so its much easier to cry and beat myself up instead. Basically the old me is half a world away in a hole that is impossible to find... that is an odd way of describing it but oh well. Also I should be finishing my final essay that has to be 10 pages instead of typing this but I'll get to it eventually... OOOOOOHH I had a really amazing show with Juliet on Saturda...

I bought a new dress and new shoes for the wedding today. 😁 Well technically I bought two pairs of shoes but I'm obviously not going to be wearing both to the wedding because that would be rather odd. Not that you need to know this but I'm probably going to go back out Sunday morning and find some sort of panty hose because it's winter and my legs are to white to be showing off. Actually even in the summer they are to white... perks of riding. I wish I could go sooner but I work tomorrow and I have the show Saturday, then cross country, and then I'm helping my trainer trailer horses to an IEA show that our barn is cohosting in Greenville. Also I had a lesson tonight. We figured out some major things to help Juliet and I on Saturdays show so that's super exciting. Side note: one perk of winter is being able to leave out drinks and they stay cold... aka I forgot to put the milk up 😬😬😬

1. Many people are hypocrites 2. I clipped Juliet 3. She is moving and jumping fantabulous 4. I'm riding her in a hackamore now 5. We have a show Saturday  6. I'm also cross country school Saturday  7. I fell off today because we did a hard rollback to an oxer and I held her back instead of letting her take her distance so she jumped it like a deer and like four feet in the air. So I kinda just slid off. 8. I'm 2,000 words into my 3,000 page essay due in 3 weeks which is awesome because I'm ahead of the game 😁 9. I have been off my depression meds for almost 3 weeks 10. I have a wedding to go to Sunday and I'm bringing Josh and Katherine 11. I'm sitting in an empty tub while I type this. 12. Fun tip for my readers-People who are bitter won't achieve anything because they spend their time being hateful towards someone when in reality they are truly upset with themselves.  13. People can hate me and what I do, act, or say all day long. ...

When Uma died I felt as I had lost my purpose. My purpose to breathe. I felt as if I was on my last steps in life. I believed I was one of those people that was supposed to die at a young age and I was very accepting of the thought. I made jokes about me only trying to live to age of 25. I mean why not. I had already wept enough tears to drown myself twice over and more tears accumulated with time so why would I want to be on the Earth for any more time. Why would I want to live any longer. Every morning I awoke, I was bitter towards the world for not making some force smother my face during the night so I couldn't breathe. Why would I want to feel a physical ache that I was still alive every time I woke up in the morning. If it wasn't a physical ache in my heart then I was awakened by a panic attack usually due to me having a dream about Uma and waking up to my first love being dead. I honestly had given up. I was ready to leave my life for good. I had no intention or want t...

Today has been quite interesting. I have literally been dizzy and tired all day long. I feel like I need to pass out. Which is very odd because there seems to be no cause. I ate breakfast and I  been drinking liquids all day so I shouldn't be feeling like I'm going to pass out. And I got called in to work early so I got to walk people to there seat and almost fall over because I couldn't keep my head up several times. All the while I had to keep a smile on my face. Side note: I just went by Zaxbys and there tea tastes so weird now that I'm so used to drinking Cracker Barrel Sweet tea. That or they just don't know how to make tea anymore. Also. I have a mood ring and it is currently black... like black. It has never once turned black ever and I'm low key concerned. I'm probably going to die. I have so many problems. Why do people deal with me?

So many times in my life I have been told something along the lines of “Learn to love yourself first, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you”. This seems to make sense because you should be able to love yourself without another person having to remind you how wonderful you are all time. Basically try and not bring that “baggage” into a relationship. At least this is what you are told and begin to think before you fall in love. My personal opinion completely changed when I fell in love. The idea of someone loving you is nice but that’s not what love is. I would genuinely and wholeheartedly love my boyfriend even if he didn’t love me. My love for him has nothing to do with the fact that he loves me. And for the “baggage”... in some instances you really shouldn't be in a relationship if you have problems because when you are in a relationship you take on each others problems and flaws. If you can't handle your own then you shouldn't be dealing with someone els...

This semester of my senior year is the easiest I have had in all of high school. I only have my two classes at school everyday and my college class twice a week. I sleep or play on my phone during my first class at school(I sit in the very front row in front of the smart board and my teacher doesn't ever say anything)and make all A's. My second class at school is with a first year teacher who is young so he goes way to easy on our class. We didn't take a midterm just because no one in our class wanted to... like what??? I'm not complaining but really? The class tells the teacher what to do? We also basically only write a few notes and then do group work the rest of the class. The work only takes 15 minutes max so we just talk the rest of the time... did I mention that my classes last 1 hour amd 45 minutes. I also make all A's in that class. I have a B for my college class but that is really awesome because it is my first college class ever and when you talk to colle...

Here we go again. The rushing water behind these eyes of glass, is running stronger,  pushing and cracking the thin brown crystal bearer which holds back the flood,  the settle whispers in the back of my mind have turned to screams originating from every possible corner. Here we go again, overthinking than not thinking at all,  feeling everything all at once and so deeply that I am forced to become numb to deal with myself,  numb… thoughtless… quiet… because if the crack becomes large enough,  if a single drop escapes the glazed wall the whole bearer will come crashing down, releasing the flood, so violent and loud,  destroying everything in its path. I look at my patterned legs and itch to run a blade across, then close my heavy eyes and hope they will never open again. This is so accurate of how I am slowly starting to feel. I can tell my depression medicine is slowly becoming useless. I can also tell that I am pushing certain people away b...

So my anxiety decided to stop by today and tell me some things that now have me worried not only about other people but it decided to talk down my self confidence which always a great feeling. So now I'm going to go do things to fix the problem it told me I have until I solve the problem. This probably makes no sense but I'm not going to let my anxiety problems effect other people's day so just don't worry about the subject or cause of my anxiety. Just hope that I fix my self confidence problem 🙃🙃🙃

Once you lose the most important thing in your life you don't know what to do with yourself. So you look at every memory you have of them whether it be electronically, physical, or mental. You feel as if you have lost your soul and purpose for being alive. You then proceed into a decending pit of  despair and anguish caused by the depression and suicidal thoughts that come with this terrible loss. Songs that meant nothing before, are now overbearingly heart wrenching to hear. Eventually you feel so dead and empty inside without them that you will do anything to feel alive again even if that means harming yourself. You get angry at your loved one for leaving. Telling yourself that they were selfish. Then you begin to hate yourself for ever thinking such a terrible thing and start harming yourself more. You are on the edge of life and you consider other people opinions and emotions about the outcome that is about to happen. So you either go through with it or you don't. If you do...

I'm watching my favorite movie in the entire world right now (Dead Poets Society) and I am so freaking inspired to just do something! Ahhhhh! I'm going to work on my paper because I have all the freaking inspiration because this movie is my shiisnt!!! Rode the pony today bareback and I was able to keep her slow even in a bitless bridle! 😜😛🤘🏼❤️

I had like a super duper amazing jump sesh today with Julie todayt. She finally has enough muscle to be doing 2'9-3ft courses again!!! She actually was waiting and listening to what strides I wanted! Now I need to start doing running hill work in the field to gain both muscles and stamina! I'm super excited for shows to start up. She is going to beast it!!!!! Side note: I'm going in the morning to try on my prom dress my my best friend for the heck of it 😁 I might upload pictures tomorrow I hung out with my love today. I made him watch a girly movie and in return I had to watch zombielamd or something along those lines. I didn't get to watch but like 30 minutes of it because I had to go home. Buuuuut that's okay because I get to see him again tomorrow 😍☺️😁

I was super angry and agitated all day and when I wasn't, I wanted to cry. I personally think it is from one of my new medications because it is a possible side effect of taking them. But my nana thinks that I need to take more of my depression meds. I just decided to sleep when I got home from getting my flu shot(after school of course). So I slept from 3pm-8pm. I also decided that it would be best if I didn't talk to Josh today because I didn't want to blow up on him when he didn't deserve it. I talked to him after I woke because I felt better but I realized that not talking to him all day wasn't the smartest thing I've done because I didn't even tell him why I wasn't going to message him all day. ☹️ I need inspiration for my cause and effect essay. I have the motivation but no inspiration. So I'm just going to look up facts about my topic until I get a spark. 😐 Side note: my gov/econ teacher had to be rushed to the hospital last night because...

So before I get to my point of the blog I’m giving you a fair warning that I’m being pretty much completely open in this because I am ready to talk. I would appreciate it 100% if you do NOT contact me about this blog. Just let me give you a little background before I go into detail. Trust is not something that I give away freely. You have to earn my trust and then continue to keep it by being completely honest and truthful with me. Once you lose my trust it is very unlikely you will be able to regain it and there are not many people who i trust because of this reason. I limit who trust to very few people. I am not an open person whatsoever. I love to bottle up feelings and never let them out because I don’t see the need in telling other people my problems when they most likely have their own. This blog is actually the only way I am okay with opening up and even after the fact, I don’t like it when people confront me about it. Honestly this blog is like a diary but it’s public wh...

Okay so the first four pictures are from my dressage lesson Saturday with a trainer from Charleston. I learned so much from her!!!! Not only did I learn a lot but she helped me with Juliet on so many problems that I have been struggling with only after a 45 minutes lesson after never seeing me ride or seeing Juliet!!! Do you know how freaking amazing you have to be to be able to do that. One of Juliet's problems is leaning and pulling on the bit and then just hauling ass. So to all the equestrians that read my blog, no. I don't normally ride with my hands that high. These were just screenshots of the trainers tip to me. Every time Juliet decided to lean on the bit I had to slowly carry my hands upward until she stopped and then she got a release. I rode her today(the last picture is from today)using the same method and HOLY COW! I'm so happy I did a lesson with this trainer. I still can't get over it! Oh and she had those fancy ear piece thingys(you can kind of see it i...

So remember how I said Juliet was lame on Tuesday well with the continuation to that whole matter: so the farrier came out Wednesday to fix her palmar angles and what not and I rode her Thursday and she was perfect! Like. We could've been in the dressage oylmpics(obviously over exaggerating   because that is so very extremly out of my riding level). But seriously her head carriage was my goal for everytime I ride. Moving along, I rode her today and what the actual heck? How do you go from perfect to lame in a matter of 24 hours. Oh yeah. That's right. ITS BECAUSE HORSES ARE THE MOST ACCIDENT PRONE THINGS EVER CREATED!! So I gave her bute and put bute in her food for the AM and hopefully she will be ridable for my dressage clinic tomorrow. I wouldn't normally try and fix this with a temporary solution but I already payed for my clinic so I plan on doing it. So for now the solution will be temporary and hopefully the bute will work. If not then I am screwed. Side note; I ha...

Freaking mood swings man. I was happy, then hella tired, then annoyed,  then tired, then more hurting, hella happy and energetic, and now I'm sad. I haven't been this sad in a long while. It rained tonight which is why I probably remembered this. Whenever it rained Uma's corarnary bands around her hooves used to get super white. I really miss that. I used to get a small jolt of happiness everytime I got her from the pasture after it rained because of this small detail. I just realized that Uma was my passion and inspiration. Not just for riding but for everything. School, work, social life, riding .... living.

I MET A WONDERFUL JAPANESE AKITA NAMED DOJO TODAY! HE IS MY BOYFIREND'S BEST FRIEND'S DOG AND I WANT HIM. HE IS GREY AND WHITE WITH A DARKER FACE AND HE IS SO FLUFFY AND I WANT HIM. I ALREADY SAID THAT BUT OH WELL!!! ~ Guess who's pony is lame again 😅😅😅😅 Yep. Except this time Juliet is off in her left front instead of her right front. Her left was suppossed to be her good foot... FML right?! I sent a video to her vet and farrier. Her farrier will shoe her tomorrow and maybe put gel inserts/pads in her hooves if the vet agrees to it. I have a dressage lesson Saturday with a trainer from charleston! Juliet needs to get better! ASAP Also my cat has an eye infection I'm pretty sure and my other cat has a severe UTI. All my animals are falling apart 😭 Side note: You should go watch Narcos on Netflix unless you are a child... then don't do that. Go watch Happy Tree Friends. It's basically the same thing but less realistic and not Spanish and no drugs and ...

How cool is it that I get to download Windows 2016 for free just because I am a Tri-County student. I am currently waiting on it to finish downloading so I can copy and paste my essay into windows from google docs. That is what my professor told us to do because apparently the website that we turn it on won't accept anything but Windows format. I am going to be screwed if it doesn't download... I would have downloaded it sooner but I worked both yesterday and today. I was also with bae the past two nights. OMG. Y'ALLLLLLLL! I brought my boyfriend out to the barn yesterday(for the second time) evening because he had been bugging me about wanting to gallop. I had told him a multitude of times that he would fall of. He freaking tried to convince me to let him ride in an English saddle again. I obviously did not let him because if he happened to gallop, let alone trot, without something to hold on to then he would have fallen off and been trampled. And I would not be okay with ...

AMERICAN HORROR STORY CAME BACK ON TONIGHT BUT EVAN PETERS DIDN'T APPEAR YET SO IM BITTER-SWEET ABOUT IT! HEY. ALSO. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ANY AMERICAN HORROR STORY YET THEN YOY SHOULD GO BINGE WATCH A SERIES OR TWO.... OR ALL 5 AND RECORD THE ONE THAT IS AIRING. (I'm going to stop screaming now). On the low I have an addiction to the show(probably so I can watch Evan Peters). Which is rather odd considering I absolutely HATE horror shows/movies/etc. I haven't even been in a haunted house before and most people my age go to haunted houses for fun. Then there is me. You could not pay me or give me anything to go into one. Don't get me wrong. I lovvvve adrenaline but I rather not piss myself in the process. Ya feel. I screamed like a small child an overabunant about of times within the hour show. So I turned in my rough draft today for English. Long story short, I was one of the very few people that only had one or no errors. I was quite elated too because my teacher ...

So I had my first anxiety attack in a while today. For the past couple of months I have had reasons for my anxiety but honest to goodness I have no earthling idea why this attack came when it did. When I tried to control it by controlling my breathing I almost passed out. It didn't help that I was riding at the time but still. So when I got home I engulfed myself in writing my illustration paper for my English class which I finished about an hour ago. It was about Schadenfreude(which is a German word that means the enjoyment of others misery). This is going to either sound relatable or you will think I am crazy evil. But I find random pain hilarious. I'm sorry but if I see someone get hit by a frying pan I'm going to laugh. Side Note: I feel like Caprisuns are over rated. If you really take the time to taste them, they are not any good. Granted that is just my opinion. Anyway, I'm now engulfing myself in blogging and Scandal (Netflix). Side Note: American Horror S...

I have my first essay for college. I low key love writing papers so I'm excited but I'm probably going to fail it because my teacher is hardcore with grades. Side note: every time my boyfriend texts me I automatically do this stupid little giggle like I'm 5. Someone please slap me. (my boyfriend doesn't like reading my blogs because he doesn't know if they are going to be sad or not so hopefully he won't read this so he can't bug me about it) I took a five hour nap... I have this cold/allergy thing and it plus school/work/riding just draining me of all energy. My boyfriend took his ASVAB today for the military and he did really well!!! When he told me I started crying because he has wanted it so bad and I'm so proud of him! PS: the title is the song I was listening to... Hold Up by Beyoncé because she is queen 👑

Nothing much has been going on lately. Just school, work, boyfriend, and horses. A little to repetitive if you asked me so let me briefly explain. School is good. I bought a Mickey Mouse shirt this morning so I could get extra credit on my gov/Econ test so my grade went from a B to an A. Work is good because money is good. So I'm pretty sure that me having to stand up straight for as long as I do on the job is messing up my back even more that it already is. I guess that means more trips to my chiropractor. My boo thing is perfect. I don't know what else to say. He's a fantastic human being who has accepted my strangeness and he is mine so I'm forever pleased with life. I gave Juliet her first full fledged bath in like 2 months. I trimmed her whiskers, cut her bridle path, and even trimmed the hair that touches her coronary band... Yes. I'm obsessive. I know. This is completely and totally random but if you think about it, trust is such a fabricated idea. Tru...

Two weeks doesn't seem like a long time. Unless the four months before those two weeks you were riding almost every day. I rode her for the first time yesterday and today since Juliet her costly vet and farrier visit. I can not explain how great Juliet feels. She feels better than when I first got her. She is swooshing her tail and willingly doing an extended trot WITH her head carriage correct! She has a neck and a belly on her now! Her weight is perfect and her coat has dapples and is extremely shiny! Ahhh! I'm just so happy. Trust me. It's not because it was the perfect ride because it defiantly was not. It was far from it but at least she tried for me. That's all I really ask for when a horse has been off for two weeks. I'm happy because she is obviously very happy compared to how she was feeling before the vet visited. I'm not sure if any of this is making any since but oh well. I most likely have a show in October and December. It will be my first show jum...

Apparently if I do much activity in one day and then don't go to sleep when I probably should, I have emotional breaks. And by that I mean an emotional break from me pretending to be okay and bursting out into tears and loud, obnoxious crying. Like the one I'm having now. I legit miss Uma. I miss how personalble she was. She used to nudge me coming up from the field or stuff her nose in my face expecting a treat. I miss having to hold her back from lunging at passing horses. I miss her black legs. I miss the little white hairs she had on the medial side of her front pastern. I miss when she used to get scared at something and would unknowingly push herself into me because she trusted me to protect her. I miss our bond. I not only want her back but I need her back. I love riding but it isn't at all what it used to be now that she is gone. I don't get excited about buying horse stuff anymore. I don't get excited about going to the barn. God. There were so  many small ...

So this makes absolutely zero since to me. My math teacher tries to tell my class that bad grades aren't a big deal and we shouldn't sweat it. Um. No actually. Grades are a very large part of what happens to you after high school and the rest of your life on earth. My English teacher knows whats up. He went on a mini rant today explaining why he grades so hard. He believes that one day we will all have a degree in something and we don't deserve that degree if we can not use the English language properly. I completly agree with him. Now don't get me wrong. I definitely do not want my math teacher grading any harder but I do think that his views on grades are wrong. Grades are important. That is a fact of life. Juliet got her teeth floated yesterday. She also got a lameness exam. Wait backup. Sorry. I keep forgetting I'm talking in horsey terms. Teeth floating is when you file down horses teeth with a file because horses teeth are similar to hamsters in the idea tha...

So most of this post was written in my second period class on a sheet of paper because I was extremely close to passing out from boredom so yeah I'm retyping it to my blog... I'm writing this on paper in my math class because I'm very close to falling asleep due to my teacher's monotone voice box. He is currently going over our classwork from last class and trying to make jokes but his attempt is failing... miserably.  He also is rambling on about unnecessary detail about each question. Such as details on the trees in a certain forrest. Did I mention this was math class?  It would be different if they were facts but they aren't.  If they were facts, I would have a little bit of knowledge that I could throw in my random fact section in my brain. But they are his opinions so they are irrelevant to me(no offense to him).  It also doesn't help that my English professor is quite the entertainer and I have his class before this class. Side Note: He made a joke abo...

I forgot to host this the other day... opps. I've been thinking of the most absolutely stupid puns/jokes today. I'm not sure why either. I just took a break from my English reading because I thought of another pun and it is to imbecile to not tell my few readers about. So for my reading assignment, I have to read like 25ish pages about sentence structure, phrases, clauses, parts of speech, and etc. Well. I'm about to finish taking notes on the part of speech section and I was writing down the definition is an exclamatory word used to gain attention and I just thought. That would a nice way to call someone an attention whore... like honestly. What? Who... what in the even???! Low key worried for my sanity. Side Note: My math(probability/statistics) teacher is hella weird. He was talking about the census and then randomly(he doesn't like that word because apparently everything has an equal chance of happening so it isn't random??) says that he knew a guy named Ch...

I had my first English college class this morning!! 😬 The class itself will be pretty hard but the teacher had me cracking up so bad. He was explaining why grammar is important and gave a few teacher experiences. The first one was a sentence that meant to say "I hoard lots of books." but instead of hoard, the student wrote "whored". Then my teacher said he wrote beside the word "Does your mother know about this?". God. I think I was the only one who found it amusing. The other example said something like "The Union depilitated the Confederate forces." The reason this is so funny is because the student meant deBilitated. DePilitated means to remove ones hair... so my teacher then goes on to describe what it would look like if the Union forced their way into the confederates base and started shaving all the men and stating that they took their manhood. I thought this was the funniest thing. I was still chuckling for a good 5 minutes after he finis...

So I started my senior year today. And if I see one more post that says "Its our last first day! So sad!" Im going to go full savage on everyone. It isn't your last first day. COLLEGE???! WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU GET A JOB OR START YOUR FIRST DAY AS A MARRIED COUPLE OR A PARENT OR BLAHFOSBFIENDUAO???! Anyway, after going out to the barn tonight it kind of hit me that Uma won't be apart of my senior year like I had always hoped. I always wanted to take my senior and graduation photos with her. I guess I could do it with Juliet but it wouldn't be the same. I finally went out and bought a shadow box for Uma when I left the barn. It only took me 5 and a 1/2 months. I put her halter and her brushes in there. I'm going to add more items/pictures to it later on because it looks a little barren but for now it will be fine. I've avoided doing this because I feel as if I'm boxing what is left of her up and putting her away. I also still haven't gotten my brac...

So technically this is my first road trip. I consider a road trip to be when you stop in a city for a day or two and then move on to the next and this is my first time doing so. I am currently in Kentucky and have been since yesterday evening! Kentucky is one of my favorite states to visit mainly because the large population of horse people but I also love the scenery. There are beautiful rolling hills and emerald-green Kentucky grass(if you have been to Kentucky then you know I am not exaggorating on this). We are staying in Bowling Green, Kentucky with my bestfriends moms, bestfriend... hope that made since. So how about the son, of the man of the house(its much easier saying that then explaining who he is) is the lead guitarest in the band Weezer and helps write most of the songs! How freaking cool is that!!!!! If you don't know who Weezer is then look up the song "Say It Ain't So". You have most likley have heard of this song unless you are still a small, sad, b...

Don't get me wrong. I want to be happy but I'm in between fences. On one side I want to be happy but on the other side I want to hide in a corner and just grieve for Uma. That is the very least she deserves. That horse would've taken me to the ends of the Earth and back. I wish people would stop looking at her as my "pet". She was my best friend. She contributed to most of my qualities such as patience and forgiveness. She was not a house pet. I had to trust her with my LIFE every time I got near her. I don't trust anyone with my life. Okay. Actually I trust my best friend because I know she would take a bullet for me just as I would for her. But still! I trusted a 1,000 pound animal who doesn't didn't even speak over the entire human species excluding my best friend. Which is actually entirely sad on my part because I don't trust anyone. I don't have the slightest clue why I don't trust anyone, but I don't. I don't know. I just wi...

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I've been super busy or to tired to write so this is what has been going on in my life •So it's been a week since my wreck and how about my insurance company told me I should of died. Awkwardddd. Also my anxiety was completely okay during the whole scene and I was calm even though I almost died and should have died but when I talk to someone I like I get anxiety?! WHAT??! WHY?! •I've been great ever since I started my new medication. On cloud 9 actually. •I started a new Netflix series Tuesday and was already on one of the last episodes in season 2(don't judge me and my binging) and I went to go watch it last night and it was GONE. IT DISAPPEARED FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH AND I'M SUPER UPSET ABOUT IT BECAUSE I LOVED THIS SHOW! NFKSJWHYSOSKAJAHAHH!!!! •Juliet was a fantastic angel in my lesson Friday! •I brought out a friend to meet/ride her Saturday and it was the funniest thing! •I rode her yesterday and she was a tad...

My best friend is one of the rare breeds of humans who puts everyone elses needs and feelings before her own. She had a bad day but didn't call me because she knew I had also had a bad and knew that I was I was with my flamboyant remedy(boss lady). Btw best friend. Please don't ever do that again. Please call me when you are in your car crying or whenever you need or want to talk. I might not have a car anymore to come pick you up and hang out but I would most definitely bycicle my ass down there or steal a car to make sure you are okay. Speaking of the boss lady. She had me read this past weeks blogs to her and she absolutely adored the name Flamboyant Remedy. She sent a screenshot to some of her friends because she liked it so much. I wish I could make everyone that happy but there is a point in life when you realize that you will always have someone who is bitter or annoyed at you. People can't help their emotional response unless they look deep down inside at their he...

Every two months in 2016 something bad happens: So long story short I was going to work today and I was trying to brake and the brakes didn't work so I wrecked/totaled my car. I feel really bad to because my nana just got the car for me. But the brakes just didn't work. Yeah. Unfortunately I didn't get my wish of dying. At least not today.

I spent most of the day cleaning my desk and room. Then later I went out with my best friend to go chair shopping but we ended up having to much fun doing random things in Target. We messed around in the makeup and my friend had a long day at band camp so she just laid down on the ground for 10ish minutes. It was quite hysterical watching people's faces when they saw her as they passed the aisle. Then we literally listened to every music card. We made it to the graduation cards and then it kind of hit us that we are seniors now. It honestly feels like I was a freshman like a year ago. It's just crazy how fast high school has gone by. I guess it's kinda bitter sweet because I have loved my high school experience but I'm ready for college. I'm also glad that I'm taking college classes this year so I can get a feel of what college is like. However there is still that constant fear and anxiety about not getting into the college you want or not being able to enter in...

I have spent the past week slowly cleaning my room. I got rid of the desk in my room so I have a lot more space now. I am going to use that space for my reading chair that I will hopefully be searching for sometime tomorrow afternoon. I've seen some chairs in target and TJ Max but im goingt to try a couple of antique stores because chairs can always be reupholstered. Oh I also want an ottoman that opens so I can stash things in there. Anyway my room isn't actually organized yet due to the fact that I have a bunch of stuff that was in or on my desk that no longer has a place in my room. So it's just kinda on my floor or in my drawer designated for random things. I did spend a good 15 minutes trying to unclump our hand held/tube vacuum. It was clumped full of leaves and cat hair. I'm not sure why on the leaves because we don't have plants indoors and why in the world would someone take it outside?! I don't know. Maybe we have a ghost in my house(which wouldn't...

So first of all. I love my job but we were understaffed tonight because you know. It's a Monday. Not that many people come in during the week days. WELL YOU COULDV'E FOOLED ME TONIGHT! I was the only hostess which meant I was already doing the job of 4 people which would have been fine if a bunch of people didn't decide to come in at once and have a line to the freaking door. Luckily I had some help from my coworkers(waiters/waitresses) who sat some people for me while I was seating large parties and what not. It was stressful but I got through it. Also. I had to use my anxiety medication yesterday. Which I'm bummed about because it's frustrating not being about to control it and when it comes or what it comes from. Granted I know exactly what some of it comes from. The medication worked great and made me not give any you know whats about anything but it still sucks having to depend on medication to fix my many problems. Side note: My doctor is trying to find me...